1 Kick off the merry month with a Seasonal Beer Tasting (6:30pm, worldsgreatestbar.com) at Crew featuring nine winter suds and the lowdown on each.
2 Drag your ass out for the Flesh Hungry Dog Show’s Christmas with the Joans (9pm, jackhammer-chicago.com) and hear the only Crawford cover band (we know of) belt out glam-rock sounds.
3 Tune your ears to a different songbook as the Windy City Gay Chorus and Aria go Sassy! Brassy! Classy! (2pm, windycitysings.org) with a collection of merry songs for Mary people at Senn Hall in Edgewater.
4 Grab your tutu (we know you have one) and hit the Chicago Cultural Center where queer symphonic band Lakeside Pride Ensembles provides music for the city’s tenth annual Dance-Along Nutcracker (noon, 3pm, lakesidepride.org).
5 Take a break and sip the seasonally brewed Mary Christmas Ale at Mary’s Rec Room (hamburgermarys.com). The burgers aren’t too bad either.
6 Keep the booze train going at Call bar’s monthlong 12 Absolut Martinis of Christmas (cattlecallchicago.com).
7 If the holidays get you down, hit the Center on Halsted for Here for the Holidays (7pm, centeronhalsted.org), a support group for people coping with seasonal loneliness.
8 Go downtown to Downtown Lounge where Lambda Legal’s Leadership Council presents Holidays on Ice (6pm, lambdalegal.org), a free and hosted happy hour.
9 In NYC, her holidays shows are standing-room-only deals, so snag your seats now for Jackie Beat’s pun-intended The Nutcracker at Hydrate (8pm, hydratechicago.com).
10 Freeze your jingle balls off with SoFo as it hosts the Santa Speedo Run (2pm, sofobar.com), a swimsuit and stocking-cap charity dash through Andersonville.
11 Head to Evanston for the yuletide sounds of the Chicago Gay Men’s Chorus in Holly Follies (3pm, cgmc.org).
12 Check out chic shop Haymaker for Local Yield: Holiday Edition (7pm, haymakershop.com), where you can stock up on kick-ass, hand-crafted housewares, eat, drink and tap your feet to holiday beats provided by queer DJ Erik Roldan.
13 For contemporary and classic holiday tunes, adjust your ears to Lakeside Pride Symphonic Band’s Holidays on Halsted (7:30pm, lakesidepride.org) at the Center on Halsted.
14 Give yourself a hump-day stocking stuffer at Kit Kat, where its monthlong Holiday Extravaganza (kitkatchicago.com) includes divas lip-synching to Christmas classics every night during dinner service (and Wednesdays are BOGO entrées!).
15 Air your grievances, get your picture taken with a pole, and check out the Disney Drag Spectacular at Crew’s annual Festivus Customer Appreciation Party (7pm, worldsgreatestbar.com).
16 The gay holidays just wouldn’t be the same without Hell in a Handbag’s gender-bending Rudolph the Red-Hosed Reindeer (7:30pm, handbagproductions.org) happening tonight and all month long.
17 Boys, get into the imbibing spirit at the Jingle Balls Christmas Crawl (3pm, luckyhorseshoelounge.com) kicking off at Lucky Horseshoe and taking in a half dozen Boystown bars. Don’t forget to bring an unwrapped toy for kids in need. Girls, make the yuletide lesbian at Sappho’s Solstice Salon Presents: The Lesbian Holiday Office Party (7:30pm, womenandchildrenfirst.com), where your worst holiday sweater and sundry donation to the Broadway Youth Center gets you cookies, holiday tunes and eggnog (spiked, we hope!).
18 Grab your merriest pair of cowboy boots and Two-step Round the Christmas Tree (4pm, cattlecallchicago.com) at a country dance party with a holiday twist.
19 Check out the lavish holiday decor at Taverna 750 and stuff yourself silly with its new Burger n Beer (taverna750.com) special.
20 Be naughty instead of nice at Berlin’s Sinful Holiday Drink Night (9pm, berlinchicago.com), where all wells are $1.
21 Meet Hanukkah Harry and spin the dreidel at a Hanukkah Party (9pm, Touché).
22 If you haven’t seen it yet, laugh your ass off as queer sketch troupe GayCo hits the Annoyance with LIT! (8pm, gayco.com).
23 Welcome back the ghosts of Chicago past (i.e., all the cute ones who have left us for other cities) with Out of Towners Night (touchechicago.com).
24 Shake off any family stress at Berlin’s Twisted Christmas Eve (11pm, berlinchicago.com).
25 Celebrate with the big man himself (God, not Santa) in worship service at Metropolitan Community Church (11am, achurch4me.org) or any queer-friendly Chicagoland church.