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"You'll never poop alone again"

Local mom blogger and bestselling author Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns details the unglamorous truths about parenthood

Karen Alpert
Photograph: Renee Gooch Karen Alpert
By Samantha Lande |

All it takes is one hot-button blog post to take a little known blogger into a viral sensation. For Karen Alpert's Baby Sideburns blog, hosted on Chicago Now, it was a 2012 post titled "What not to f'ing buy my kids this Christmas." After that, the former copywriter (who still freelances occasionally) and mother of two (Zoey, 5, and Holden, 3) became a household name in the mom community for her candid and hilarious thoughts on parenting on her blog, so named because of a post she wrote on whether her son would be born with sideburns, since she is "ridiculously hairy." 

Her popularity led her to write a self-published book, I Heart My Little A-Holes, in 2013 that contained both the best of her blog as well as new material. It gained so much traction that HarperCollins re-released it this past April. Both versions have made their way onto The New York Times Bestseller List.  

In advance of her appearance at a July 22 event hosted by Bump Club and Beyond at Monica + Andy Guideshop in Lincoln Park, Alpert shares with us a little parental wisdom.

Top 5 (plus one bonus) things no one tells you before you have kids

1. You won't experience love like this until you have a baby.

True, but lots of other things you’ve never experienced either, like catching vomit and feeling victorious, or a kid licking you from knee to your shoulder.

2. It literally ages you.

One day you look good, the next you look in the mirror and you have suddenly become haggardly and wrinkly.


3. You’ll never poop alone again.

Eventually I am sure that’ll end, but it hasn’t yet. Am I going to prison, you may ask? Nope, just having a child.

4. You'll fall in love with minivans.

I used to dream about owning a Ferrari Testarossa. Now I lust for the new Honda Odessey. Oh, the sliding door and the collapsible third row, the back radio button. Maybe that’s what they mean by never experiencing love like this.


5. You'll never be bored again.

I would be so excited to fly to Australia alone just to be with my thoughts.

6. That to-do list? Learn to realize you’ll never finish it.