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Flavors of love

One writer licks her way through a cornucopia of candied sex potions.

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Cantaloupe-flavored lube, minty condoms, cherry-tinged body paint—the number of candy-coated products at sex shops is as overwhelming as the size of those frightening rhino-sized dildos on display. Why are there so many fruity potions? I say it’s because—and I can almost hear TOC sexpert Debby Herbenick howling in protest—nether regions don’t always taste so great. Yes, our natural musk should be loved and cherished and inhaled as if it were wafts of croissants fresh out of the oven, but after a long day of hanging out in our undies, our bits can have that not-so-fresh feeling. We took a sampling of the many funk-masking flavored sex products out there for a test drive. Here’s a look at which are worth a second taste.

Candy Bra ($12 at The Pleasure Chest, 3436 N Lincoln Ave, 773-525-7151)

FLAVOR
Like SweeTarts without the tart; also similar to those rainbow-colored candy dots you get on white rolls of paper

FUN FEATURE
It’s a bra. Made out of candy. Plus, the sweets are strung on elastic, so your mammaries can be mammoth or miniscule and this thing will still fit.

IN PRACTICE
Your teeth-baring paramour will get dangerously close to your nipple while pulling ferociously to break the candy free, an activity that quickly goes from hilarious to alarming.

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Tom and Sally’s Cherry Body Paint ($20 for four flavors and two paint brushes at babeland.com)

FLAVOR
You know those cheap knockoff Twizzlers you got at Walgreens when you were a kid? That’s what this stuff tastes like.

FUN FEATURE
According to the label, this two-ounce jar holds two “servings” (you’re supposed to stir it and add water, but who’s going to do that?), each of which accounts for 110 calories and 6 grams of fat. Damn, sex is fattening.

IN PRACTICE
You might want to spread a tarp on the bed—this stuff is very red and very messy.

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Good Head Oral Delight Gel in Mystic Mint ($4 at Early to Bed)

FLAVOR
Tastes like a watery spearmint-gel toothpaste; subtle, not too overpowering

FUN FEATURE
Touted on its label as a centuries-old secret used in brothels, Good Head multitasks as both a junk- and breath-freshener.

IN PRACTICE
The minty-fresh flavor lasts the duration of a blow job without reapplication, and the recipient goes nuts over the gel’s “tingliness.”

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O’My lubricant, cappuccino flavor ($15 at Early to Bed, 5232 N Sheridan Rd, 773-271-1219)

FLAVOR
Strong coffee taste, but more like the sickly sweet hazelnut brew your parents drink than Intelligentsia. Smells like a fall-scented Yankee Candle.

FUN FEATURE
The pump allows for fast and mess-free application, and the lack of text on the bottle makes it look like a soap dispenser. Place it on the sink in your guest bathroom and wait for hilarity to ensue.

IN PRACTICE
The strong coffee taste mellows after awhile, but the lube’s slippery slickness keeps on giving.

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Body Pen in chocolate and strawberry ($12 for a set of two at babeland.com)

FLAVOR
Both the chocolate and strawberry varieties taste like cake frosting.

FUN FEATURE
The fine tip on the phallic pen allows for precise lettering, so if you’ve always wanted to write a haiku on your boyfriend’s back extolling the virtues of his shlong and then eat the evidence, now you have the perfect tool.

IN PRACTICE
The frosting tends to get stuck in the pen tip, and no amount of frenzied squeezing will set it free. Luckily, the tip is removable, so yank it off and smear that sweet stuff on your partner with a wider tool.

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Dust Me Pink Sensual Body Powder in Barely Berry ($12.50 at pureromance.com)

FLAVOR
The very fine dust has a subtle strawberry-cheesecake flavor with no cloying aftertaste.

FUN FEATURE
The accompanying fluffy hot-pink feather serves as both a powder applicator and a prop to perform the world’s smallest fan dance.

IN PRACTICE
The nearly weightless powder poofs into a sugar cloud when you unscrew the jar, causing you to inhale the stuff like anthrax spores. But once it clears, you can dust it all over your partner—and ingest it on purpose.

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