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Election 2012 jokes

Local comics bash both parties.

Mitt Romney selected Paul Ryan so he could have someone on the ticket more controversial than a Mormon: a Packers fan.—Tim Slagle

Some people are never going to get used to the fact that we’re now being governed by a black guy living in public housing.—Will Durst

Mitt Romney has flip-flopped so often, his commercials should end with “I’m Mitt Romney and I both approve and disapprove of this ad.”—Will Durst

Q: What does Ann Romney wear to get her husband turned on? A: A pink slip.—Kevin McKillip

Q: Why is Ann Romney always on top during sex? A. Her husband can only screw up.—Kevin McKillip

I saw a guy holding a sign comparing Obama to Hitler. That probably makes Democrats angry, but it’s really gotta tick off Nazis.—James Zekis

I know Obama hasn’t closed Guantanamo, but what if I told you that’s where he’s planning a surprise birthday party for you? Now I bet you feel pretty dumb.—Joe Kwaczala

People want a President they could have a beer with. If that’s the case, I’d pick Obama because he’d put the round on someone else’s tab.—Drew Michael

You can tell the speakers at the Democratic National Convention aren’t totally in tune with their voting base because no one promised four more seasons of Breaking Bad.—Drew Michael

You have to vote. People died for your right to trick yourself into thinking you’re not completely and utterly insignificant.—Drew Michael

I tend to vote for an incumbent President. I know how much moving sucks. Plus, it’s really difficult to find a lease starting on January 20.—Emily Galati

The GOP doesn’t believe in global warming because if corporations rape the planet, Mother Nature has a way of shutting those things down.—Peter-john Byrnes

I’m proud of Barack Obama in 2012 for evolving his position on gay marriage to finally agree with Barack Obama in 1996.—Peter-john Byrnes

A country that provides a wider range of flavors of Coca-Cola than of political ideologies deserves everything it gets.—Peter-john Byrnes

Republican lawmakers finally agreed that it was unreasonable to require everyone to have a photo ID to vote this year. They agreed that voters only need to provide their country club membership card.—Emily Lake

Obamacare is a start, but I’d rather see health care run like our national parks: It’s available to everyone who needs it and when you get there there’s someone ready to sell you drugs.—Emily Lake

I took an election telephone survey last night and felt really happy to represent that segment of the voting public still dumb enough to pay for a land line.—Kris Simmons

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