Heard on the street, December 15, 2011, edition

I’m a Jew. Santa never came to visit my house.

Did you lose weight—or is it just the shirt?

“They garden.” “Is that a euphemism?” “God, I hope so.”

If there were a Basketball Diaries for every type of drug, I would have never done drugs.

I eat like I’m in prison.

Can I bribe you with sausage?

“Did you masturbate when you were younger?” “No, she read.”

I wanna motorboat them shits!

Remember when my ass blew out on the Eisenhower?

My hair is getting used to my birth control.

All the fun happens in the back.

They were pirates for a good reason.

He’s so old, you could carbon-date his skin.

I don’t like my glasses anymore. Too lesbianish.