Heard on the street, January 19, 2012, edition

He’s the Mexican Paula Deen.

A heroin addict from outer space—I don’t know how else to describe her.

It’s like a whiskey Theraflu.

“I tried singing this at karaoke once. It didn’t go too well.” “That’s because you’re not a douche bag.”

Your father looks like the kind of guy who would deny that his daughter has sex.

Nothing looks less attractive than when a woman can’t walk in her high heels.

“I’m still all damp back here.” “Honey, I feel damp all the time.”

I paid off a cop a thousand a week. I never had a problem.

That shit was so crazy I almost choked on my Pop-Tart!

Gary Sinise would fuck your girlfriend at your own party.

I’m a poor person. I smoke one-hitters.