Heard on the street, March 8, 2012, edition

If it’s really love, he’ll get you the toothbrush.

“That bitch is no good.” “Who?” “My daughter.”

In Wrigleyville, people drink until they puke, not until they fuck.

That’s not a reason to kill yourself. That’s a reason to start a band.

I’m not straight-edge. I’m just old.

I was the most hipster person to ever meet Dick Cheney.

It’s turning into fucking Ribfest in my living room.

I’m going home to watch Whitney Houston’s funeral. Do you want to get Taco Bell later?

Real cops don’t hang out at bars that overlook anything.

I’m assuming it’ll be a gamer bachelor party where, like, Optimus Prime comes and strips.

I need to put a face to this hair!

Oh, Bordeaux! Like Brigitte Bardot.