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Heard on the street, May 24, 2012, edition

Funny quotes overheard in Chicago.

My kids…they grown. They warriors and shit.

I had to pull a dingleberry out of my cat’s asshole at 4:30 in the morning!

Honey, I have enough Botox in my face to kill a small child.

The video for Fiona Apple’s “Criminal” was loosely based on my bar mitzvah.

It’s like anal-bleaching strips for your teeth.

He is a hardcore street thug, but he wears a diamond-encrusted kazoo around his neck.

That whole thing was a hybrid of Belle and Sebastian and the movie Kids.

You need to stop talking to me ’cause I’m ’bout to break this thing off in your ass.

I had to draw Santa’s dick; it was rough.

In case you’re like, “Who the fuck?”—it’s me.

I don’t get the Purple Line.

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