Heard on the street, September 15, 2011, edition

That was so Melrose Place.… I mean, Melrose Park.

I love tramp stamps with a muffin top. It’s like frosting on a cupcake.

Beauty and the Beast is a bullshit story.

I’ll sleep on the floor. I’ll fuck on the bed.

That must be the most molested cow in Chicago.

I’m, like, pretty much in debt, majorly.

John Stamos makes me want to snorkel in Greek yogurt.

I’m trying to determine whether or not this band is singing anything about drugs.

The morning after the last time I was there, I projectile vomited out of a cab window.

My brother was the ultimate wigger.