We're recapping the Pitchfork Music Festival all weekend, but why wait to tell you what's going down? Given our psychic abilities—and the fact that we've attended the fest every year since it was a quaint li'l two-day affair dorkily named Intonation—we know what the Pitchfork experience will look like for festgoers. You'll spend approximately one-third of the weekend actually listening to bands, one-third of your time in the beer line (where you'd planned to meet up with that one friend at 5pm, or was it the record fair at 6pm? DID SHE MEAN THE OTHER BEER LINE? WHERE IS SHE?? OH LOOK, THERE'S YOUR WEIRD EX!), and one-third of the fest trying to upload pics of Björk and R. Kelly to Instagram but failing, because every other festgoer in Union Park is doing the same damn thing. Check out what else is going to happen in our slideshow.