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Pretend you're drinking at a holiday party when you're knocked up (but not ready to spill the beans)

I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until after 12 weeks, which allowed me many nights out to learn how best to conceal my newly “dry”...

Illustration: Mitch O’Connell

I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until after 12 weeks, which allowed me many nights out to learn how best to conceal my newly “dry” status. First of all, forget about the obvious “I’m on antibiotics” excuse. If you’ve never said no to beer or vino in the past, your friends won’t buy it. Instead, practice these two stealth maneuvers:

The sig-o switcheroo Make your partner an accessory to the crime. Both of you order whatever drink you always get. Socialize holding your own alcoholic beverages, but every 10 to 15 minutes, you both place them on a table and covertly trade drinks. He drinks two beverages, you drink zero. This works best if you both order the same drink, so the folks you’re chatting with quickly lose track of who’s sipped how much of what. In this scenario, you will have to bring the drink to your lips every so often to convey drinking.

The grift Rather not hold something potent? Order a nonalcoholic fizzy liquid like soda or tonic water from the bartender (obviously, do this out of your friends’ earshot, or make your date do it) and ask for a lime or lemon wedge as a garnish. If you want to get fancy, ask for a splash of grenadine or cranberry juice—just be warned if you make it look too interesting, a friend will ask for a sip. Ask the bartender to pour the drink into a tumbler, just like he would a cocktail. Otherwise, you’re carrying around a towering ice-water glass and your friends will get annoyed they got stuck with a junior-size drink.

 

Saber a Champagne bottle | Pretend you’re drinking at a holiday party when you’re knocked up (but not ready to spill the beans) | Open those f#%*ing clamshell packages | Assemble a proper cheese plate for your holiday party | Wrap a gift using just two pieces of tape | Fake liking a gift | Make the most of working on Christmas and New Year’s | Go out on Christmas and New Year’s Day | Be a Scrooge | Stock the ultimate holiday bar on the cheap | Host a guerilla New Year’s Eve party | Handle flight cancellations like a pro | Convince your Internet-savvy kid there is a Santa Claus | Ask for a gift receipt | Kick ass at a white-elephant exchange | Catch a cab on New Year’s Eve | Not look hungover in front of the fam | Handle gift-giving when you’re dating someone you’re not sure you like | Proudly belt it at the DIY Messiah | Create awesome party playlists

 


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