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Not hiring Bonnie Tyler to represent you might be a start. Not being British at all would be even better, since our only win in 32 years came courtesy of Canadian band Katrina and the Waves. Eurovision fan Russell Kane may have other ideas as, with the song contest only a week away, he tries to convince sceptical chum Greg James that it is a prize worth winning.
In his corner are an array of hazily remembered UK representatives including Jemini, Scooch and Sonia, but this is a clip show by any other name. But if an institution like Eurovision doesn’t have an archive of clips worth staying in for on a Saturday night, then whip our skirts off and call us Cheryl. Or whatever the other one was called, if you like.