Mike Viera

When it comes to life in the Magic City, Miamians like to play the long game. We don’t get caught up in the minutiae or complain (too much) about things like traffic and weather. Does that make us complacent? Maybe. But we'd rather focus on the positive—because every small step accomplished is a cause for celebration and Instagram posts! While the rest of the country may think we are underachievers, a true Miamian appreciates the little things in life, like these everyday victories. 1. Making a call on your cell phone without it being dropped by MetroPCS (or any other mobile carrier for that matter). 2. Getting on the 836 during rush hour and finding out there are zero accidents blocking the road. 3. Having a lazy weekend without any commitments—a weekend entirely free of a bachelorette/bachelor party, birthday brunch, baptism, bris, bridal shower, baby showers and all showers (including bathroom showers). 4. Riding the Metromover when it doesn’t smell like a toilet. 5. Missing the meter maid—yes! 6. Getting into LIV without having to bribe or blackmail the doorman. 7. Going on a Tinder date with a person who’s within five years of the age he/she claimed to be. 8. Meeting a potential partner over 30 who isn’t divorced and/or has a bunch of illegitimate children. 9. Finding a metered spot in South Beach that still charges less than $4/hour. 10. Getting the last almond croissant at Panther Coffee. 11. Missing the Brickell Avenue bridge—or any bridge in Miami for that matter. 12

Dating in Miami is hard. Even rich guys trolling South Beach hotspots for their latest trophy wife will agree that a good catch is tough to land in these parts. If you're a regular dude in Miami, finding someone to hold your interest longer than a Snapchat video is nearly impossible. The same can be said for women, we're sure. Curious to know what finding a mate in Miami is really like? Below is a non-exhaustive list, although reading it just might make you tired—or motivate you to relocate.  1. People don’t read and lack intelligence. The city is known for its beautiful Miami beaches and South Beach clubs, not its libraries or its stimulating literary scene. Even Ernest Hemingway decided to head south and reside in the Florida Keys (and when that wasn’t far enough, he went to Cuba). 2. People like money, not people. Remember, girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money. Boys just like boobs. 3. Miami is a dangerous place. People are not friendly and if they are, we are oddly suspicious of them. Or we want to take advantage of them and rob them. Either way, it's a losing battle for safety.  4. Everyone in Miami lives with their parents. Rent in Miami is very high and no one can afford to live alone. Luckily, everyone can afford to rent a hotel room and lease a Range Rover. The chances of the latter getting repossessed are high, however.  5. No one in Miami speaks English. De pinga.   Want more? Sign up here to stay in the know.