You’ve definitely met @ChiPartyAunt. She’s at your local Portillo’s, she’s perpetually St. Patrick’s Day-level intoxicated and she’s got a lot of NSFW commentary on local celebrities like the Empire Carpet guy and every single Blackhawk. Most notably, she’s got an incredible Twitter account that perfectly captures our city’s, um, sloppier side. Here's a taste:
Just got kicked out of St. Alphonsus for bringing my own wine to mass. Sorry Blood of Christ but I'm a pinot girl ; ) pic.twitter.com/4w1RXW0e3V
— Chicago Party Aunt (@ChiPartyAunt) December 3, 2017
I fucked the Menards guy in 1992. pic.twitter.com/Mk1sMfxzut
— Chicago Party Aunt (@ChiPartyAunt) October 13, 2016
Just did a line of coke off the automatic plastic toilet seat cover at O’Hare ; ) pic.twitter.com/n7DUyUHZm4
— Chicago Party Aunt (@ChiPartyAunt) November 18, 2017
We had the distinct privilege of catching up with the local Twitter celeb and had her give us the inside scoop on the best of Chicago.
What’s your go-to Portillo’s order?
Beef n’ Cheddar Croissant baptized with extra Giard. Large Choc Cake shake with extra cake. Fries. Cup Cheese. Side of Chicken Chopped Salad. Chi dog to go.
Have you ever missed a St. Patrick’s Day? Why?
Well, the Southside Irish Parade was canceled in 2010 because my son Kevin punched a police horse. So yes, one.
Who’s your worst son?
Gotta be either Matty, Mikey, Tommy, Joey, Billy, Bobby, Timmy, Jimmy, Donny or Ronny.
Do you have a job?
I’m a stylist at Fantastic Sam’s, sweetie. Love my Fantastic Sam’s girls and my Fantastic Sam’s family. I will never work at Sports Clips no matter how hard they pursue me.
Rumor has it that you were present when the Dave Matthews Band tour bus dumped its waste into the Chicago River in 2004. What do you remember from that day?
Let's just say they “crashed into me” with fecal matter. It was a mess but my attorney Peter Francis Geraci was able to get me a large cash settlement and I got free DMB tickets for life.
Have you ever been to the Museum of Contemporary Art? What’d you think?
Fucking BOOOORRRRRING. You ever been to dueling pianos upstairs at Sluggers?
Are you Team Eric or Team Kathy?
Kathy and I went to high school together and she’s still jealous that I won “most likely to blow the Prom King,” so probably Eric.
What would you do if your son was in the hospital on the same day as a Blackhawks parade?
He was and I haven’t seen him since.
Fuck, Marry, Kill: Captain of the Seadog, Odyssey busboy, Spirit of Chicago DJ?
Well… I’ve already fucked all three and was married to the Captain of the Seadog for three years in the ‘90s. Would prob have to kill the DJ because he gave me HPV.
What’s your number one tip for successfully navigating the Viagra Triangle?
Always go in this order: Luxbar, Hugo’s Frog Bar, Tavern on Rush, Carmine’s, Gibsons, Dublins, Original Pancake House.
Does Mancow have a sensitive side?
He does. His man side is crude, rude and lewd but his cow side… his cow side is vulnerable, soft and sweet.
Ballpark number of Chicagoans who have received hand jobs from you?
Realistically? Ten thousand.