Only fools lead a chain of spiky-elbowed friends to the front just as The Anthem of the Summer starts to play. The rest of us know that the only polite times to force your way through a festival crowd are: during a self-indulgent guitar solo, during an obscure album track or during a Kanye West rant. If 70 percent of people are shouting ‘this is my jam’; everyone should remain exactly where they are.
Not to be melodramatic or anything, but the people who jump queues at festivals are the same people who’d have pushed you off the lifeboats while escaping the Titanic. We’ve all spent 20 minutes thirsty/hungry/desperate for the toilet while waiting in line at a festival. But, that’s no excuse for pushing in, or, y’know, pretending to throw-up so people will let you get to the front – which is definitely something we’ve not done before. Honest.
Don’t wear Native American headdresses or bindis. Wearing them while you Yolo is just disrespectful. Remember: if you don’t understand the cultural significance of what you’re wearing, then just leave it. And, no fancy dress theme is an excuse to black up. Like, ever. We feel like, in 2015, we shouldn’t even need to point that out. Yet at last year’s UK Desert Island Disco-themed Bestival we saw a group of morons painted black, wearing ‘tribesmen’ outfits, afro wigs and carrying jazz instruments.
Only because we hate to see you go, bro. After partying together for three days straight, a Sunday departure can leave a weird void amongst your emotional pals, already wrestling with a juicy ripe comedown. It’s like a buddy movie without a main character; like ‘Dumb and Dumber’ if Jim Carrey unexpectedly vanished before they reached Aspen. Also, Sunday leavers have a habit of leaving something important and heavy, that you end up humping 219 miles back to London out of kindness.
0 to 5 rules broken
Bravo. Not only are you probably a decent person at home, but you can also spend a whole weekend surrounded by supreme dickheads without becoming one. Rock that halo – you’re a festival saint.
6 to 10 rules broken
Not bad. Though you’re known to get a little crabby after a heavy Saturday (what was that guy in the dance tent selling anyway?) you’re generally decent company in most festival situations.
10 to 15 rules broken
Oh, dear. You’re in danger of making thousands of people hate you – and you probably don’t even care. Give the rest of us a break and spend this summer in Magaluf instead.
16 to 20 rules broken
You’re literally the worst person at the whole festival, so just own it. Wear those shutter shades, leave a trail of crap everywhere and be a douche to everyone you meet. Good luck with that lift home!