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Photograph: Jakob N. Layman

12 red flags of LA's online daters

Written by
Obnoxious LA

Being single in LA is hard, and online dating is even harder. It's difficult to navigate the sea of weirdos and unsolicited nude pics from random strangers. That's why we've written this handy guide to help you figure out if you should keep on talking to that hottie on Tinder, or if you should run for the Hollywood Hills.

1. Tons of flashy photos. If someone's profile is nothing but pictures of themselves with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at The Standard, you can be sure they're overcompensating—and they know how to use Photoshop.

2. They're "good with public transportation." Someone saying they're very good with public transportation is probably code for "I don't own a car." Not owning a car in Los Angeles is the most red flag-y of flags if a flag could be so red. Just forget it if they're located more than two miles from you. Or if you also don't own a car and you're into that.

3. Their profile picture is a headshot. Do we even have to explain this?

4. Their profile is too long. It's cool if they're a narcissist. That's part and parcel of LA living. But turning a dating profile into a Russian novel about themselves is an entirely different story. No one in LA has the time to read unless it's a script—and even then, they'll only skim the coverage.

5. They describe themselves as an "auteur." If someone says they want to be the voice of their generation, get off their profile faster than you can say Lena Dunham.

6. They're an aspiring comedian. Having a sense of humor is great, but if someone says they're trying to become a comedian, just know that if you sleep with him, it'll be on an inflatable mattress in a studio apartment that he shares with seven other dudes.

7. Has a creative profession—won't say how much they make. This also guarantees that the "office" they work in is a "shared work space," and by "shared work space," they mean Coffee Bean.

8. The LACMA lampposts are in their profile picture. You have seen this Tumblr, right? Either they just moved here and haven't gotten the memo, or they’re just here on vacation and actually live in Iowa.

9. They can't live without these six things: sunshine, hiking, palm trees, sushi, puppies and bearded men. It's so cliché it hurts.

10. They're listed as a "practicing vegan." If they label themselves as a "practicing" vegan and the rest of their profile is all about them being a vegan and how it was the best decision they've ever made and how it’s completely changed their life and can’t understand why anyone would not be a vegan because veganism is obviously the only way you can live a just life, they're going to judge you even more than we're judging them.

11. She has chopped bangs in her profile picture. If her profile picture is her at Coachella with chopped bangs wearing thick rimmed glasses and showing off a wrist tattoo, she's trying so hard not to conform that she's conforming. You don't need to meet her online. Just go hang out in Silver Lake.

12. Nothing is wrong with him. If the person you're looking at on OkCupid seems normal, well adjusted and has a full-time job, he must be a serial killer. No red flag is the biggest red flag of them all. He will cut off your skin and wear it.

Here are 5 online dating photos that won't get you a date.

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