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25 reasons this 'worst heat wave in 25 years' business has to stop

By
Seth Kelley
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This past weekend we experienced a three-day streak of temps that broke 100 degrees, making it the worst heat wave in Los Angeles in the past 25 years. Fortunately, the heat is supposed to break soon, but until it does, here are 25 reasons that we need the heat to go ASAP.

1. We’re entering fire season.

2. So I can enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee.

3. So that I can go to the beach and not immediately turn into a lobster.

4. I really want to take a hike.

5. So that Sriracha can go back to being delicious and not torture.  

6. It’s too hot to even have sex.

7. I can’t afford the dermatology appointments to unclog all my pores from sweating so much.

8. I’ve been sleeping at my friends place who has AC for too long and they’re threatening to kick me out.

9. I’ve already watched all my favorite Halloween movies at said friend's air-conditioned apartment, and it’s not even half way through the month.

10. I got this sweatshirt a few weeks ago and haven’t been able to wear it yet.

11. My waistline is expanding thanks to all the ice cream I've been eating to keep cool.

12. I’m sick of smelling bad.

13. The drought.

14. Going to the movies this often just to sit in the cold theater is draining my bank account.

15. So I can go back to bragging about how perfect the weather is here all the time. 

16. Every coffee shop is mobbed with squatters trying to keep cool.

17. I'm becoming a regular squatter and the barista keeps giving me side-eye.

18. So I can go for a run outside without waiting for the sun to set.

19. So I can eat some ramen and enjoy it.

20. I’m sick of threatening to move back to the midwest. 

21. There were a lot of great things that happened this weekend that I skipped because I was scared of going outside and melting into a puddle.

22. I burned myself just from leaning on my car.

23. So that rooftop bars can go back to being "a nice time" instead of “just closer to the sun.”

24. I’m tired of seeing mirages every time I look at the sand.

25. So I can start complaining that it’s too cold.

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