Get us in your inbox


5 online dating photos that won’t get you a date

Written by
Naomi Lane

Did you know January is the most popular month for online dating? It’s true -- in the aftermath of the lonely-for-the-holidays hell, online dating sites see a surge in sign-ups at this time of year.

So how does a man stand out amid all this fresh, new competition? The first hint is choosing the right photos. Yes, women look at them. And sometimes even one ill-chosen photo can be a dealbreaker. Do yourself a favor and avoid these five photos like the 405 during rush hour.

1. The please-not-another-shirtless selfie

The shirtless-selfie is the supreme ruling emperor of the online photo fails - particularly if it’s of the bathroom mirror variety. You may be thinking, “I’m just trying to show that I’m in shape.” However, she’s thinking, “Can I get some wine to go with all that CHEESE?” Either put your shirt on or take that shit to Grindr.

2. The guess-my-facial-features photo

While you should clothe your nips, your face should be nude. That means lose the sunglasses, hats, helmets, ski mufflers and gimp masks. If you don’t, we’ll wonder, “What’s he hiding under there? A lazy eye? A unibrow? Verne Troyer?” (BTW, if you’re wearing a hat in every photo we automatically assume bald, so just put it out there.)

3. The speck-in-front-of-scenery shot

If you look like a dot in front of the Grand Canyon, or Stonehenge, or a giant fir...the photo is useless to us. Your pics are there to show potential mates what you look like. We want to date a man, not a natural wonder of the world.

4. The see-I-can-get-hot-chicks pic

Sorry, you’re not fooling anyone by having your buddy snap a pic of you in a huddle of Hooters waitresses. Women are immune to this feeble Jedi mind trick and the only response you’ll generate is a big, fat eye roll.  

5. The still-have-a-Nokia-flip-phone photo

So often I come across photos that are too grainy, blurry or dark to ascertain if the subject is even human. There is NO excuse for this, guys. Give us a clear, well-lit photo so you don’t come off as that weird creeper lurking in the shadows.

What should you post? Simple: at least three to five close-ups of your face and a couple full body shots. And if you need to ask about dick pics, I’m afraid you’re beyond the help of this article.

Latest news