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8 people you'll see at any yoga class

Written by
Obnoxious LA

Yoga is beyond mainstream. Everyone and their dog has gone to at least one yoga class. When your yoga teacher has a thick Southern accent and pronounces namaste, “nam-ast,” you're no longer doing something “culturally hip.” Here are the eight people you'll see at any yoga class.

1. The insecure housewife: She has nothing better to do at 11am on a weekday. After pushing out four kids, she's just trying to keep her body in shape so her husband doesn't leave her. In her defense, she looks great.

2. Mr. Man Bun: That really intense fire breathing behind you is from this male-model-meets-hobo. He has a unique musk that is a mix of patchouli and his effort to help in the drought by not showering. He made that bracelet on his wrist from balsa wood leftover from Burning Man after he didn't burn it.

3. The quiet farter: It could be the music, or it could be the guy in the corner detoxing his system. Farts are a natural part of yoga class, and he's made that very clear. And while you don't want to be behind him during downward dog, know that his system will be cleaner than everyone else's in class.

4. The boyfriend: Go figure the one hot guy in yoga class already has a girlfriend. He so obviously got dragged there against his will, and you can tell because he grimaces through each sun salutation. He either lost a fight or didn't want to get into another one.

5. Yoga model: She's taking yoga class, although nothing in her physique says she needs to exercise. She's perfectly in shape and looks as if she was biologically engineered to do that perfect headstand she's shaming you with. She's either a robot or the reincarnation of a Hindu goddess because there's no other explanation for anyone being this perfect.

6. The noob: To everyone else the instructor is speaking in a mild whisper, but to this person, he sounds like a barking drill sergeant. She idiotically showed up in shorts, and not the clingy kind that don't flash people when you go into downward dog. If you couldn't tell this person was new by the fact that they're several seconds behind everyone else, you can tell because their mat is the only one without any footprints on it.

7. Basic b*tch: Yoga is literally the only exercise she does to work off the weight put on by her PSLs (you should know what this stands for). She goes to class in her Lululemon pants with a $10 green juice that she begrudgingly sips, then quickly goes into child's pose anytime there's any, like, actual work. She's the reason why yoga is now a thing.

8. Hot yoga instructor: You don't go to yoga to get a hot body, you go to yoga for his hot body. He's the reason why you deliberately do pigeon wrong, just so he'll push on your lower back with his strong, sexy arms. With the difficulty of dating in LA, this is the closest a man has been to you since you broke up with your ex, so you don't totally mind if he's too touchy.

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