If you're looking to date an LA lady, there's a lot to consider: Which restaurant will whet her appetite? Which romantic escapade will win her heart? What is your exit strategy if you don't exactly hit it off? You also have to find the right words and conversation topics, which we'll leave up to you and the mystic powers of love, but here are five things that should absolutely never exit your mouth, or else you'll have to deal with a tongue-lashing.
1. "You are so LA..."
My response: Yes, I live in this beautiful city called Los Angeles. I moved here for a reason—I love the culture and the city life mentality. I can't sit still and I don't have a 9 to 5 job. I make a living freelancing. That doesn't mean I'm broke or unstable, it means I am smart enough to figure out how to keep myself inspired. I like to go out and check out new restaurants, museums, exhibits and anything I can do to enrich myself. It doesn't mean I am a party girl. Just because I am image conscience doesn't mean I am fake—I'm real because I'm self-aware. Being aware of your environment comes from traveling the world. If you don't get that, that is not my problem.
2. "My ex did this..."
I have a three-strike rule about this: if you mentioned her twice I will let it slide, but if you bring her up a third time I will have to put you in your place.
My response: I don't really give two shits about what she did. The past is the past. I get it, you loved her. You shared so many memories with her. However, she's your ex for a reason. Get a new life, experience new things and purge her from your mind. If you can't help but bring her up, you have no business sitting here with me.
3. "You have expensive taste..."
My response: I believe in quality over quantity. I would rather have an empty closet with nice pieces than an entire closet full of junk. I love to feel, smell and look good. Don't judge me if I have a specific preference for what I like to do, eat, drink or wear. Instead, ask me how I came to discover my preferences so you can learn what I enjoy.
4. "Do you like girls..."
My response: Yes, I love girls. In fact, I have a core group of girl friends. If you are inquiring if I am open to having threesomes, you are talking to the wrong person. I will express my sexuality when I feel comfortable, don't bring it up. Be a gentleman. If you are looking to fulfill some sort of sexual fantasy, go watch porn, or go to burning man and keep it to yourself.
5. "I want kids and marriage..." (1-3 dates in)
My response: This is a very serious conversation we should be having once we know each other better. I will cuss you out if you are trying to selling me "the dream" because if my dreams only consisted of marriage and kids, I would have never left my hometown. What you should be asking me is what I want in life. What do I strive to contribute to the world? What legacy do I want to leave?