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13 things to look forward to when Donald Trump is our President

By
Will Gleason
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By Time Out contributors, edited by Will Pulos

After more than two decades of flirting with the idea of running for office, New York real estate mogul, international hair icon and eternal adonis Donald Trump officially announced his candidacy today for the Republican nomination for president in 2016. He may not have been able to take his name off a casino this year, but at least he’ll be able to get it on a ballot.

We’re sure in the coming months The Donald will make a sincere effort to introduce himself to the American people beyond reality television competitions and catchphrases, but we here in New York have had quite some time to get to know the man who could be our next president. With an eye on the future, and in no particular order, these are the things we’re most looking forward to in America under the Trump Administration.

1. The White House will finally get the property upgrade it's long needed. Most likely with some marble columns, a lot of mirrors and a gold paint job.

2. The National Anthem will be replaced by “Goldfinger.” 

3. If elected, President Trump will re-launch his Trump Steaks business (previously available via the Sharper Image) and give all Real Americans a $1 discount. (Now only $998.00!)

4. Everyone previously labeled a “loser” by Mr. Trump will be fired from life. 

5. A Trump White House™ solid gold fine-toothed combs collection will be immediately commissioned.

6. All ceiling fans, portable fans and any wind-generating equipment will be outlawed. Can’t have anything messing up that ‘do. 

7. C-SPAN will be replaced by a cable channel that exclusively shows re-runs of The Apprentice.

8. No one will be allowed to make eye-contact with Trump unless he’s seen your birth certificate.

9. The $1000 Golden Opulence sundae at Serendipity 3 will be re-named The Trumpulence sundae in his honor. (The Triborough Bridge will also be re-named.)

10. A new voter registration act will be instituted for NYC declaring that no polling stations are to be erected anywhere outside of Midtown and Wall Street.

11. Americans will now vacation at Trump Canyon, YellowTrump National Park and Mount Trumpmore (all four heads will be replaced by The Trump Family).

12. A slate of new military campaigns will commence on Day One, including action against Kenya (the real birthplace of Obama), Mexico (just generally) and “that guy who looked at him funny in the elevator last week.”

13. Spray-tans and toupees will be required of all cabinet members. Even you, Jeb Bush. Especially you.

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