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16 things we'd love to see happen to Chase Utley while he's in New York

By
Will Gleason
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By Time Out contributors, edited by Will Pulos

More fans than ever are showing their support for the Mets this week, after Chase Utley’s despicable, leg-breaking slide into shortstop Ruben Tejada in Game 2 of the National League division series. Equal to their passionate outpouring of support? Their palpable hatred of Utley. Even Mayor De Blasio called the Dodgers player “guilty as sin." 

With no question of Utley’s guilt, here are a handful of punishments we hope he's sentenced to during his time in New York. Because we all know a stalled G train is a fate worse than death.

1. Get onto a subway car populated by both a mariachi band AND It’s Showtimers. 

2. Get his dollar slice stolen by Pizza Rat

3. Have a cab slow down to ask him where he’s going, but then speed away when he says he’s going to Queens.

4. Have to watch three crowded G trains pass before being able to squeeze onto one. 

5. Order dinner on Seamless and have it arrive two hour late, missing the soup.

6. Get pooped on by a pigeon. 

7. Get groped by a Times Square Elmo.

8. Take an Uber and the driver accidentally brings him to Yankee Stadium instead. 

9. Get stuck in an elevator with Donald Trump.

10. His whole team gets tickets to Hamilton. Except him.

11. Stop by his morning coffee place and every single container is out of milk.

12. Get stuck on a train that's delayed because of a sick passenger. He's the sick passenger.

13. Is forced to pay an $8 ATM fee at a cash-only restaurant.

14. Order a bagel with the cream cheese only spread on half.

15. Try to get cash back at Duane Reade.

16. Is asked to "Please Swipe Again" into eternity. Or at least until the World Series is over.

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