It’s looking like it’s going to be another hot one in New York this week. That means we’ve got seven more days of hot subways, intense humidity and trying to find love without literally passing out. But at least take heart that you’re not alone. As you move through this concrete, glorified hot plate this week, keep an eye out for these fellow travelers sweating their way to Labor Day.
1. The wilted subway rider
You’ll find them standing completely still on a subway platform, not moving too far in any direction in case the extra energy expenditure drenches them in even more sweat. Resembles someone who just ran five miles or a Japanese Water Ghost.
2. The Escape from New York-er
You haven’t seen her since June and you’re not 100% convinced she even lives here anymore. If it wasn’t for that recent Instagram from Montauk, you might try to get her face on a milk carton or something.
3. The dressesive
She confidently slipped into her first summer dress of the year in early May and you won’t see her in any other type of clothing till September. Loves Sangria.
4. The hipster beach bum
When he’s not at The Rockaways, he’s talking about how much he wants to be at The Rockaways.
5. The shameless sunbather
He's not afraid to strip down to his underwear (or less) in public to get that perfect tan. Somehow, however, is never actually tan.
6. The Batman drinker
As soon as the weather heats up, this girl pretty much permanently moves to the rooftops of New York. If a bar is at ground level, she is not interested.
7. The central air hoarder
He never leaves his air-conditioned apartment on weekends, and honestly, why would he?
8. The shirtless show-off
He's not even running! He's basically just walking at a really fast piece along the Hudson River Park to show off his perfectly chiseled pics.
9. The urban warming denier
The girl in a light coat or guy in a three-piece suit whose fashion game cannot be bothered by this heat.
10. The humidity prepper
He's got a bottle of water in the side pocket of his backpack and a hat on to protect him from the sun at all times. There's probably a mini-fan in there somewhere too.
11. The bikini globe trotter
Every hour, seemingly posts a new bathing suit photo from some international hot spot. You begin to wonder if she's been anywhere except a beach or a yacht for the last three months.
12. The park homesteader
He takes enough food to feed a rush hour F train to the park, as well as three bottles of wine. And music. And a frisbee. And bocce ball. And a full tennis court.
13. The warm weather partier
She goes to all-night ragers and dances till dawn and likes to bring up how nice it is to be able to smoke outside without a coat.
14. “Summer Place” Guy
Did Chad tell you he has this awesome hook-up for this great place in the Hamptons/Upstate/Cape Cod? He probably did.
15. The McCarren Park athlete
He's really into his summer soccer team.
16. Overwhelmed Park Slope mom
Because school doesn't start for another month and Jasper wouldn't spend all summer at camp.
17. Sunburnt Monday commuter
If only the weekend could last just one more day. Or more bodegas sold Aloe Vera.