By Time Out contributors, edited by Sophie Harris
First, we gave you the best NYC life hacks. And then we realized that everyone has their own, sneaky life hacks that may occasionally be effective but which, we're sorry to say, automatically turn you into an asshole. You know the tricks we're talking about—the ones that maybe save you a little cash, a bit of time. Maybe it's a complaint to get you to the front of the line or a sidewalk navigation skill that works only in your favor. Either way, these techniques amount to gold-plated ways to piss off a New Yorker. And you wouldn't want that, would you? Wait, would you?
1. Accelerate when the traffic light is about to turn to red
Because that's sensible, right? When the pedestrians are just about the cross?
2. Upstream to get a taxi
It's cold, it's raining, your entire train line has been suspended. You deserve this taxi! More than the person standing down the block with their arm out! That's why you're standing on the corner, poised to snag their cab, you swine.
3. Loudly complain about Starbucks baristas while on line
Seriously, there can't be six of you goofing around back there, and our drink order hasn't even been taken yet.
4. Slip in front of someone who is waiting for people to get off the train
So you can be the first one on! Take that arrogance to new levels by stopping right in front of the doors so no one else can get on! (And smirk with satisfaction as you stare at your phone, avoiding their futile glares.)
5. Let your dog poop in the street
It’s far quicker for you not to pick it up, right? And who cares if the next person to walk there is on their way to a date/job interview/any number of social occasions that would be better not smelling of feces?
6. Use cycle paths the way the city probably intended
Those "bike lanes" on the streets are secretly extra sidewalks for pedestrians—everyone knows that. Use them to walk against traffic, ideally while using your mobile phone, and be sure to shoot annoyed looks at bicyclists who honk and/or narrowly avoid hitting you.
7. Order the cheapest thing you can, and stay for the hang
New York is crammed with sumptuous, luxurious places to eat, drink and spoil yourself. And sure, you can go ahead and order that tiny croquette and a glass of tap water—you won't necessarily look like an asshole to anyone but the staff. Still taste good two hours later?
8. Keep your bag off the floor
You know who deserves to not get dirt on them? Your precious bag. Keep that sucker clean and fresh by popping it on the seat next to you on the subway. No, no, it’s fine, your bag deserves it. We’ll just stand here.
9. Cover every inch of sidewalk
…As you and your nine friends sloth down the street in a horizontal line, which is totally awesome for all the people behind you who are actually trying to get somewhere.
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10. Squeeze your body through the closing subway doors
Then scream "oww!" (because you're stuck) as we all watch you delay this train even more because of your dumb decision.
11. Complain at a movie theater to get free passes
Employees at huge multiplex chains are pretty much trained to just throw free passes at anyone who complains, so why not just head straight over to the manager after a movie and bitch about how uncomfortable the seats were or how the volume was too loud or how the person sitting next to you was ugly or whatever other dumb thing you want to run your mouth about.
12. Stop abruptly wherever and whenever you want
Are you walking down the street? Or up some subway stairs? This is the perfect place to suddenly stop in your tracks because you have decided to change direction or really focus on that molto importante text.
13. Do not waste time holding doors for people
When walking through any door, be sure to pay no attention to your environment. Do not hold the door for anyone behind you. Just don't get mad when someone counter-assholes you with a curt "you're welcome!"
14. Use a student ID for everything long after you are a student
Let's be real: You’re 35 and look 42. You’re really still trying to save two bucks on a beer by whipping out that old student ID? Well, okay, you go ahead—it’s not like that tiny venue needs the money, is it?
15. Don't settle for the first table that the hostess offers you at a restaurant
Even if it's perfectly fine. There's absolutely no method to the seating process, so go ahead and pick your fave! The waitstaff making minimum wage will be happy to comply.
16. Always remember: Waiters and bartenders are not human beings
Treat them however you want, especially if you have a lot of money! (Tipping optional.)
17. When driving, take your turn as fast as you can
And slam on your brakes two feet from crossing pedestrians. Who doesn't love to give a walking commuter an adrenaline rush in the morning?
18. Check your phone
As soon as you exit the subway stairs. Don't wait to get out of the way so other people can leave. Those texts are probably urgent.