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For those of us living in New York who weren't lucky enough to be born here, the holidays often mean visiting family members who are skeptical about the Big Apple. If you’re fighting against the prejudice caused by the versions of New York seen on Law & Order SVU and Girls, here are some lies to practice before you sit down for Christmas dinner.
“I prefer having roommates—honestly, living with that dude I found on Craigslist actually makes me feel safer.”
“The constant sirens and my broken radiator are like settings on a sound machine. I’m sleeping like a baby.”
“Because of my long subway commute, I actually read 40 literary classics last year.”
“I use that cookbook you bought me all the time! I’m only ordering in when I get really desperate.”
“Of course I go to museums all the time. I don’t just spend my Saturdays hung over watching Netflix.”
“No, climbing the stairs to my fifth floor-walkup apartment isn’t my only regular exercise.”
“I’m never jealous of your yard. Central Park is my yard. Ever heard of it?”
“I don’t think my landlord will hike my rent again this year. Surely the fourth time was the last time.”
“Stop worrying Grandma, I ALWAYS take a cab home after 11pm and never roam the streets past midnight.”
“Dad, I’m not friends with anyone who has tattoos. I swear, stop asking me.”
“There aren’t that many creeps on Tinder.”
“I believe that New Yorkers can find love on Tinder.”
“I can find love on Tinder.”
“The subway is a very reliable mode of transportation.”
“I can afford my rent.”
“I can afford my monthly MetroCard.”
“I can afford to buy cocktails.”
“I’m never concerned that someone younger, smarter, better looking, more charismatic and independently wealthy is just waiting to steal my job.”
“I really only need five hours of sleep every night.”
“I’ve never divulged intimate details about my life and struggles to the dude who does the late night shift at the bodega.”
“With 9 million neighbors, of course I never feel the crushing sensation of loneliness and defeat. Certainly not on a weekly basis.”