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24 gifts every New Yorker wants for Christmas

By Ben Lerman
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Better to give than receive? Utter nonsense. We don't need anything, and we probably don't deserve anything, but we're still hoping to come away with a pile of loot this Christmas, despite what complete assholes we are. We are walking, talking consumption machines and our holiday greed knows no limit. So as long as we're dreaming, here are the things all New Yorkers want for Christmas. 

1. A brownstone adjacent to any park designed by Fredrick Law Olmstead

2. A corporate Seamless account

3. A seat on the morning rush hour L train

4. Ten hours of uninterrupted REM sleep

5. To never be invited to another friend’s one-man or one-woman show

6. A friendship like the one Anderson Cooper has with Kathy Griffin

7. A strategy for introducing good coffee to a neighborhood without displacing its residents via gentrification

8. The head of Donald Trump on a motherf*cking stick

9. A Shake Shack window in our living room

10. To get stopped on the street and yelled at by Billy Eichner

11. Cigarettes that won't give us cancer, but still piss off our parents

12. A way to tell entitled mommies to fuck off without seeming like a monster

13. Just one more closet

14. A guarantee that the kids in the Wolfpack documentary are going to all be okay

15. A small but tasteful memorial where we can all add the names of people we regret having sex with

16. A text message service that gets you out of bad dates

17. More free samples

18. The ability to command a pigeon attack upon our enemies like the Pigeon Lady in Home Alone 2

19. A restaurant called "Lunch or No Lunch" where you pick your lunch from one of 26 briefcases held by models without knowing its contents

20. A somewhat warm swimming pool to use during this 70-degree December weather

21. A bag of tax-free cash that can only be spent on specialty cocktails and dry aged beef

22. A personal assistant responsible for managing our finances and ensuring all our electronics are charged before we leave

23. Unlimited free Uber rides

24. Calorie-free pizza

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