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Couch potato
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Flickr/dazza chazza

30 totally valid reasons to never leave your apartment

By Ben Lerman
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It's not a prison. You can come and go as you please. Your building has a doorman for heaven's sake, or so you've heard from people who use the doors of your building. Life, as far as your concerned, is a game won by spending as little time as possible beyond the threshold of your apartment door, and you are a grand champion. Still, judgmental idiots dare to question your isolationist philosophy. You can fend off those meddlers with some of these completely rational reasons that you really shouldn't, ever leave home.
 
1. You're still waiting for Time Warner to show up
2. You have to perfect your Vitamix recipes in order make that investment pay off
3. Showering is optional
4. There is almost never a line for your bathroom
5. The right lumbar support for a comfortable lounge position has taken you four years and $1200 in CB2 pillows to perfect
6. You are still optimizing your experience of Seamless, Drizzly and Tinder/Grindr by varying the order in which booze, food and sex are delivered
7. Battlestar Galactica is streaming on one the little boxes attached to the HDMI switcher thing
8. None of your dance moves are ready to go public
9. Your significant other/roommate/mother enjoys going out into the world and bringing you back stories of their adventures
10. Your last trip to the TKTS booth triggered a crippling case of agoraphobia
11. You need to see several cycles of natural lighting on the paint samples before you can commit to a color
12. Your zero-tolerance cockroach policy requires constant vigilance
13. You're doing a close reading of your Apple End User License Agreement
14. You can't function as a human until all ten hours of Making a Murderer are complete
15. You have to figure out how to help Steven Avery from Netflix's Making a Murderer
16. You are bereft because there's nothing you can do to help Steven Avery from Netflix's Making a Murderer
17. Your dog/cat/bird/ferret is your emotional support animal, but you haven't made it official yet
18. If you leave for even twenty minutes, your roommate will just fill the sink with dirty dishes again
19. You aren't OCD or anything, but your sweaters are not going organize themselves alphabetically by brand then by color
20. Zero cases of ebola have ever been reported in your apartment (yet)
21. You have an intense fear of awkward elevator conversations
22. Your weed delivery guy just started accepting Venmo
23. You have converted all your money to BitCoin and you can only buy things with it off of SilkRoad 3.0.
24. You're leaving as soon as you finish seeing all the cat videos
25. Once you perfect this mixtape, you'll probably be flown around the world to DJ
26. You're determined to find the cheapest flight on fifteen different travel aggregator sites
27. Sure, you've followed lots of super popular Reddit threads, but this is the first time you've started one!
28. You just converted the loft area into a tilapia farm
29. You can legally smoke almost anything you want there (for now)
30. You just discovered how sexy you are, and you can't keep your hands off yourself

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