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33 things that make you an asshole everywhere except NYC

Written by
Ben Lerman

If you live in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, you probably have a lot more time to consider things like the feelings of other people and how your actions impact them. But you live in New York City. It's not that you don't care. You care! But if you slow down long enough to conform to other cities' standards of etiquette, someone else will yell at you to MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. You have no choice but to plow through some days like a human bowling ball. And your fellow New Yorkers understand how busy and tired you are—they've been there themselves. Here's a list of things that make you an asshole everywhere except NYC, but let's face it: no one in Sheboygan is going to call you on it.

  1. Walking really quickly to get around people on the sidewalk

  2. Eating pizza while walking really quickly to get around people on the sidewalk

  3. Ordering food to your home or office on a daily basis

  4. Spending over $100 on a regular haircut

  5. Having more than one weed delivery guy

  6. Showing up anywhere 15 minutes late (everyone understands that the trains are unreliable)

  7. Coming to a potluck with no real food and only booze

  8. Asking how much someone pays within a few minutes of entering their home

  9. Paying someone to drive every time you get in a car

  10. Jaywalking

  11. Interrupting someone giving a tourist the wrong directions

  12. Never taking your earbuds out no matter what you’re doing

  13. Being really judgmental about music

  14. Being really judgmental about art

  15. Being really judgmental about pizza

  16. Having really loud sex in your apartment that your neighbors can hear...BUT WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

  17. Being really snarky about other people’s relationships and weddings

  18. Actively disliking children

  19. Getting really drunk on rooftops

  20. Flaking on plans last-minute. We’re all busy and tired! (And usually the other person is relieved.)

  21. Offering someone a dollar for a cigarette

  22. Taking a dollar for a cigarette

  23. Smoking

  24. Making a Tuesday night dinner reservation a month ahead of time

  25. Using your oven for storage

  26. Stepping in front of other pedestrians while waiting to cross during a red light

  27. Doing the drugs you found in the elevator

  28. Sitting parked in your car parked for an hour and a half twice per week in order to comply with alternate side parking regulations

  29. Eavesdropping on everyone around you

  30. Finding out who is inheriting your dead neighbor’s rent-stabilized apartment before he’s even buried

  31. Breaking into your own house because your door locks behind you and it was really only a matter of time before this happened

  32. Writing Haikus for a living

  33. Being an asshole

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