Start stocking up on Gatorade, Advil and stranger’s hoodies because the New York metropolitan area is about to get hit with a Walk of Shame perfect storm this weekend. Due to a number of converging factors including global warming, out-of-date government timekeeping policies and overachieving athletes, New Yorkers can expect to see a lot more than the usual amount of slutty cats and sexy firemen stumbling around the city this November 1. Is New York prepared? What spandex zone are you in? Here are some of the contributing factors:
1. Halloween is on a Saturday. Whenever Gay Christmas falls on Saturday, there’s a 100% increase in Halloween-related slutiness. That’s because in addition to drinking all day—with a slight break to make sure that that ghost makeup is still on fleek—everyone will also be staying out all night. Or at least until their wigs become too sloppy.
2. Street closures. In a rare occurrence, the New York City Marathon is taking place the day after Halloween this year. That means the entire city will be filled with an unusual amount of crowds as well as street closures difficult to navigate. Especially in underwear and a coat. Homeward-bound sexy nurses take note.
3. Unseasonably warm weather. Unlike in years past when we’ve had to deal with snow storms and even blizzards on Halloween night, this weekend is shaping up to be unseasonably warm. That means sluttier costumes, staying out later and more hook-ups. Has anyone checked to see if Hell’s Kitchen has a contingency plan? I’m honestly worried.
4. This year’s costume trends. The trendiest costumes in 2015 are loud, proud and in your face. You might have been able to turn that Sarah Palin look back into respectable street wear in 2008, but you’re gonna have a lot harder time doing that when you’re a giant rat carrying a pizza.
5. Daylight Saving Time. On top of everything else, Halloween night also happens to fall on DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME. That’s an extra hour of spooky drinking and an even higher prescription of steampunk beer goggles.
May the dark lord of Halloween hook-ups have mercy on us all.