Father John Misty has a bit of reputation as a love expert. It's an easy assumption to make: Judging by the probing, soul-searching songs on I Love You, Honeybear he's done his fair share of thinking on the subject. In our cover story interview—which comes complete with moody portraits shot near his New Orleans home—the singer waxes philosophical about marriage, love, intimacy and "this fucking mystery," a.k.a. just what the hell we're supposed to be doing with our time on earth. It's deep stuff well worth diving into. To mix it up, we hit him with some prosaic, advice-columnist-type inquiries. Read on to find out what FJM has to say about first dates, sexual faux pas and going dutch.
My friend’s ex has been flirting with me. How should I handle it?
"You should create a fake Facebook page and lure them into a very public To Catch a Predator situation. Sell the rights to a major television network and become a millionaire."
What’s the best way to get out of an awful first date?
"Ask them for a second date within the first five minutes and refuse to drop it. Keep bringing up the second date: what you’re going to do, what time you guys should meet, what kind of apparel is appropriate…for the entire duration of the date. Then watch them run away screaming."
My partner called me by a different name when we were having sex. Advice?
"Just start going by that name and see what happens. Don’t answer to any other name but that."
My ex texted me to grab coffee, but I’m still not over them. Should I reply?
"Text back, 'How ’bout a quick relationship? I’ve only got time this week for a relationship. I can’t squeeze in coffee.' "
Should I split the check or let him pay?
"I think if it’s true love, then you should just dine and dash. It’s far more romantic and egalitarian."
Is making out in public okay?
"Making out in private is better."