Bedbug genome discovered as we come one step closer to defeating our greatest foe

A group of scientists in New York got bedbugs this week. And by “got,” we mean “reached a level of deeper understanding.”

Using fragments of the ubiquitous pests' DNA discovered in the city's subway stations, geneticists at Weill Cornell Medicine's Institute for Computational Biomedicine, along with the American Museum of Natural History, were finally able to construct a full map of the critter's genome. The impressive discovery could pave the way for new breakthroughs in human blood thinners, as well as better insecticides to kill the tiny minions of Satan.

Additionally, scientists noticed an interesting pattern in their biological data. Bedbugs in northern Manhattan and southern Manhattan were genetically similar, while traces found on the Upper East Side and Upper West Side had bigger variations. (Bedbugs on both sides of the park, however, were taxed at similarly low rates.)

The reason for the genetic diversity? More subway lines run from north to south, with no line connecting the East and West Side through Central Park. Bedbugs may not ride the subway, but they're easily spread by the people, pets and everything else that does.

So just pray no guests of this hotel are ever in the same car as you.