"It'll be mild today," the weather man said. "Warmer temps ahead," he promised. But guess what—it's cold and windy and rainy and I for one have HAD IT. I've particularly had it with sweaters. Sweaters, look, I'm sorry, but you're fucking jerks. Last time I checked, it was April. And April is for warmth. It's for spring. It's for whipping off the tights and the gloves AND THE GODDAMN SWEATERS and getting springy with it. But you know what? It is NOT SPRINGY. I am not whipping off anything.
Like, look at this smug goddamn sweater.
And this one.
I know what you're thinking. "That one down there looks like a perfectly nice sweater." I used to think so, too. But it's not. IT'S THE WORST!
And this guy. GIVE ME A BREAK, SWEATER!
Coats are okay.
Like, I like this one.
But SWEATERS? Like this dumb, stupid cardigan? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIVE, CARDIGAN!
And if I ever catch this arrogant number even TRYING to come near me, hoo boy, it better WATCH OUT.
If you want to destroy my sweater (whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa)…well I do! I do! I want to destroy all the sweaters! It's SPRING, sweaters. FIGURE IT OUT!