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Five reasons you should never let your married friends Tinder for you

Written by
Carla Sosenko
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It's the classic grass-is-always-greener scenario: Single people just want to be attached, and those in relationships think that singletons must have SO MUCH FUN ALL THE TIME. What happens when the two groups come together? Specifically, what happens when the two (a married gay man and a straight single woman) come together in a bar, over beer, with said single girl's Tinder in the palm of said married guy's hand? Nothing good, you guys. Here are the reasons you should never, under any circumstances, let your married friends Tinder for you. 

They're too optimistic

Look, somewhere deep down you know you're only on Tinder to pass the time and/or create a temporary distraction from the crushing isolation of human existence, not like, actually find a mate. (Whoa, this got dark quick.) Anyway, what you don't need is some irritatingly happy coupled-up friend looking on the brighter side (ugh) and saying things like, "Oh! He looks nice" when you cross the path of someone who CAN'T EVEN SPELL and uses INEXPLICABLE PUNCTUATION. How could you possibly date someone like that? NEXT. 

They think it's fun

Sure, they may always have someone to sleep next to and cook dinner with and BASICALLY LOVE THEM FOREVER, but they're so bored. (They're not really, and you both know it, but they pretend they are.) Which means that the prospect of dating seems fun—which means that the prospect of shopping for people to date seems really fun. (Especially for friends who coupled up before the scourge of dating apps.) So hand over that phone and suddenly they're like a kid in a proverbial candy store. (Only all the store has left are those dusty old butterscotch candies from the bottom of Grandma's purse.) "Ooh, this is fun!" my friend squealed the other night as he swiped like a maniac. Of course it was fun—he got to go home to his husband. I went home and drunkenly ate six Bonbel cheeses in a row. 

They swipe right too much 

It's all a game to them—why wouldn't it be—so why not swipe right, they think. Here's why, married friend: Because once you mutual match, you open yourself up to messages like, "heyy what's happening*" (*real message) and "So you like me, eh?*" (*real message) and "Lookin' good on [sic] the hood*" (*real message). (When you're really lucky you open yourself up to a series of messages from a guy who sees that you both like Smashing Pumpkins because 10 years ago when you got a Facebook you put them down as a band you liked, and he really likes Smashing Pumpkins, and when you refuse to talk about Smashing Pumpkins, he gets super aggro and finally says, after five unanswered messages, "Let's unmatch this unhealthy relationship.") But do your married friends care about any of this? NO THEY DO NOT. Because they get to go home and cuddle and watch 30 Rock reruns while AGAINST YOUR BETTER JUDGMENT you find yourself sending a message that says, "Thank you for saying I look good on the hood. You're nice." 

They see right through you

"Oh, you totally have a type," my friend told me while we swiped, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "No I don't!" I protested. I've always proudly not had a type—or at least thought I did. "Uh, yeah, you do," he said. "Slightly older and white." And lo and behold, when I looked back through my history, I realized he was right. How did he know something about me that I didn't know? Here's why: because he's actually figured out the whole relationship thing. Unlike your single friends (who are as clueless as you are), the married ones actually have insight and wisdom. And that is so annoying. 

They will send messages to people you'd never in a million years write to

And they'll write really suggestive, obnoxious things and then giggle to themselves about it because they think they’re soooooo funny. (Actually, this one has less to do with them being married and more to do with them being a dick.) 

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