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Nine signs you’re ready to get out of NYC and move to the country

By Aja Nisenson

New York is one of the most expensive cities in the country, and the cost of living here is only increasing. Sometimes it's easy to wonder why you don’t just pack up your bag (yes, bag—that wasn’t a typo—I can only fit one bag in my tiny apartment) and move somewhere else. I love the city as much as the next guy, but sometimes you reach a point when you say, "Gosh dang it, for the price I pay monthly on this shitty apartment I could own a whole farm!" Here are nine signs that you're ready to leave New York for a rural, country setting.

1. Every time you get a Tinder message mentioning “cock” you think of roosters. Because you want one to wake you up in the morning. Tinder is a site for finding firewood, right? I mean, that’s why I joined—I thought these were people selling tinder for my fire pit. I was sorely mistaken.

2. You hang out on the subway platform waiting for the subway to pass, just so you can feel a fresh breeze across your face. This phenomenon may also be followed by rush-hour pushing and shoving, which reminds you of holiday dinners at home.

3. The closest thing to “country” you’ve found in the city is “Fresh scent” detergent, which you pour on everything. You mean that’s NOT actually what a fresh scent smells like?

4. You start feeding pigeons in the park because you’re secretly hoping they’ll lay eggs you can eat. There's nothing quite like chowing down on a pigeon omelet in the morning while reading the paper and watching pigeons poop on your windowsill.

5. You climb telephone poles thinking they’re trees. 'Wait, these aren't trees? I do remember trees being much easier to climb as a kid—these ones have no limbs.'

6. You pick up dog poo on the street to help fertilize your herb garden at home. Ever hear of Moo Doo? Well, this is Bark Doo.

7. You rescue every dog you find tied on a leash outside a store because you believe they need to be free. Hey, Free Willy wasn’t just a classic movie; it also contains a message to live by. But maybe it's you who needs the freedom. 

8. You hide in manholes because it’s the only quiet place in the city. A library? Please. Do you know how loud it gets with all those page flippers and seat fidgeters?

9. Road kill = Dinner. Add a little olive oil, fresh thyme, a pinch of salt and you got the best dang rotisserie squirrel ever. Whole Foods will be selling it in no time.


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