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Seven horrific (but hilarious) stories about dating in NYC

By Dana Varinsky
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It's tough to be single in New York, navigating the perils of Tinder, the cycles of cuffing and a host of unexpected sexual scenarios. Inevitably, we're all bound to have bad (or even horrendous) dates here and there. Here are seven dating horror stories from your fellow New Yorkers:

Burrit-uh-oh 
"I’d been chatting with a guy on Tinder, and he took me to a hole-in-the-wall burrito joint for dinner. I’m never one to eat a few bites and then declare I’m full, but the burrito was huge, and when I didn’t finish it, he said, 'I grew up in a house where it was a sin not to finish your meal.' Then he grabbed it off my plate and finished it himself! He tried to do the same thing with my can of seltzer, but I hung on to that one. Oh, and did I mention he was 20 minutes late? Best date ever." —Celia, Brooklyn Heights

One child left behind
"I went on a Tinder date one time, and it was going not terribly. That is, until a very agitated man came into the wine bar where we were having a drink and yelled, 'How dare you leave our child locked in the bathroom?!?' At first it was hilarious, but then I realized he was talking to the supposedly single 29-year-old young professional woman whom I’d come to meet. (Turns out, she was neither single nor childless.) Thank you, Tinder; you proved creepy exists in every neighborhood!" 
—­James, Upper East Side

Kissing cousins
“I was excited about a new guy I was dating—we’re both Jewish, into photography and live in the same neighborhood. I told my family about him, and upon hearing the news, my grandma asked for his last name. ‘Caplan—I have cousins named Caplan,’ she said. We looked on Facebook, and it turns out his grandmother was cousin to my great uncle—my grandma’s sister’s husband. We weren’t related by blood but were technically distant cousins. He decided it was weird and broke things off. It was the worst game of Jewish geography I’ve ever played.” —Seth, Greenpoint

Dick pic
"I was talking to this guy on Bumble—a super nice, normal-sounding real estate entrepreneur. After talking for a while on the app, he asked for my number so we could set up a date. He texted me and I responded, but then I went out and didn’t look at my phone for a while. When I checked later, he’d blown it up with 10 texts, including a screenshot of my profile photo and a video—of him masturbating. Full on, full everything, unsolicited." —Marissa S., Cobble Hill

Up shit creek
“I was dating a new guy I met on Tinder. Things were going pretty well, until I went over to his place and used his bathroom. To my disgust, I saw a bunch of used toilet paper thrown on the floor in plain sight, with fresh poop smears on it. (And these weren’t even final wipe smears—they were those first-wipe, heavy-loaded smears). That was our last date ever.” —Patricia M., Bronx

Gone-orrhea
“I was casually hooking up with a guy who seemed very used to having women in his bed. We got carried away one night and didn’t use a condom, and he called two weeks later to tell me he had gonorrhea and even suggested that I’d given it to him. I was sure I hadn’t and was offended by the assumption—not to mention freaked out about the STD. A few days later, he told me his test had actually come back negative! He’d just guessed his diagnosis and made me worry before he found out for sure. I was obviously relieved but so turned off that I never saw him again.” —Audrey G., Crown Heights

Hit the bottle
“I had a pretty quick but fun first date with a guy, so when he asked me out on a second one, I was thrilled. We ended up talking for hours at a bar he’d picked and both proceeded to get really drunk. The booze was definitely helping each of us relax and open up a bit more, but he got so comfortable that he shared something really personal: He’s an alcoholic. I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept drinking.” —Maria, East Village

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