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The Garden State Parkway during rush hour is the worst
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Wikimedia Commons/Public DomainThe Garden State Parkway during rush hour is the worst

Seven texts you’ve definitely sent if you live in Jersey

By Abbey Finch

Even though Jerseyans speak another language, we communicate like the rest of the world: through text. Whether you’re a new transplant or have lived in the Garden State your whole life, here are seven texts you’ve definitely sent.

1. "Can you pick me up at Penn Station? Please?" This all-too familiar text is the one you send at 2am to an understanding parent after you miss the last train out of New York City and can’t afford the $200 cab fare home.

2. "Moving to California." Jerseyans send this one every day between November through March, as well as during the heat and humidity of July and August. Basically, it’s nice to live in New Jersey during about three months of the year.

3. "Bagels before shore tomorrow?" A 9am bagel meeting time is standard before a beach day. Depending on where you live in Jersey, you’ll either get an egg and cheese with pork roll or Taylor ham on a plain toasted bagel.

4. "Ew. That diner sucks." In Jersey, there are as many diners as people. So, when your friend suggests the joint with sub-par disco fries, you can shoot him or her down immediately with an alternative suggestion. There’s no reason to settle.

5. "S.O.S. in PA. Where does the gas pump go?" In Jersey, we don’t pump our own gas, so naturally we freak out when it’s time to refuel in another state. Follow-up questions include: "How do I pay?" and "If I spill gas on myself, will I become flammable?"

6. "Can’t text. Stuck in traffic on Parkway." The Garden State Parkway is like a Mario Kart speedway. There are accidents, unavoidable hazards and highly competitive driving. And by hazards, I mean I’ve actually seen a guy reading a newspaper while driving north. And when friends text you, everyone understands that you can’t respond half the time because you’re sitting bumper to bumper on our great state’s major highway.

7. "BRB. Burning NJ Transit to the ground." Whether your train got cancelled, rerouted or you’re facing a weather delay, New Jersey’s infamous train line is the bane of your existence. But thanks for yet another fare hike, guys.


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