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Last night, as I polished off what was left of a bottle of vodka from my birthday party, I deleted Tinder from my phone and took a moment to reflect upon some noteworthy gentlemen I met in Brooklyn this past year. By noteworthy, I mean unfortunate, and I just hope that other New York women can avoid the same pitfalls.
The artist
I'll start with this flannel-clad lad you see approximately 17 times whenever you go outside in Brooklyn. This man is such a hipster stereotype that I actually laughed at some things he said at first because I truly didn't think he was serious. Things like, "I have a lot of thoughts, and I like to turn these thoughts into [dramatic pause to take drag from a cigarette] art." He got me back, though, when he asked if I was on Girls after I said, "I just moved to Brooklyn and I don't know what I'm doing with my life."
The networker
As an actor, I am used to networking, but not the kind of networking this guy does. In my Tinder bio, I stated that I worked as a "nanny and a dog walker to pay the bills." When we met for coffee, he smoothly steered the small talk into a conversation about my experience as a dog walker. After we parted ways, he hit me up that night...to ask me if I could get him in touch with my boss at the dog-walking agency. He now works for them—I do not.
The former child star
When I saw this guy's pic on Tinder, I immediately swiped right, as I recognized him as the actor who played a major role on a TV show from the '90s. When we met for drinks, I was thrilled to discover he was nice, funny and down-to-earth. However, the entire time I couldn't help thinking about how much he looked (obviously) and sounded like his iconic character. I was confused as to whether I was having fun because it was a good date or because I was fulfilling a childhood fantasy. When he went to the bathroom, I texted my friends about the situation. When he returned, my phone was vibrating off the hook. He gave me a knowing look, and I made up some lie that he clearly didn't believe.
The creep
Honestly, I'm surprised a date with this guy lasted the four minutes it did. As I got up to use the bathroom, he said with a wink, "I'm glad you trust that I won't put anything in your drink." While I sat on the toilet, I talked myself out of leaving immediately: He was nervous and made a harmless joke, and he didn't mean it...right? When I returned, I remarked upon his unusually clear glass of whiskey. "Yeah," he responded, "I could switch it with your water and you wouldn't even notice." And I'm out.
The grad student
Oh man, this one's legitimately a keeper. He was a well-dressed British gent with a great sense of humor who was in the midst of getting his masters in art history (with a concentration in African masks. As one does). We discovered we shared a love of Hitchcock movies, Cate Blanchett and Nabokov novels. Our nearly four-hour dinner of two delicious pizzas and a bottle of wine flew right by, and before we parted ways, he kissed me in the rain and gave me a piece of paper with a few suggestions of books and movies he thought I might like. A few days later, he texted me saying he had a great time but was too busy with school to have any sort of relationship. I mourned the loss and still keep the paper he gave me in my wallet.
The stand-up comedian
This guy was super charming until I realized that cracking jokes is a really, really regular thing for him. Every part of our conversation seemed to turn into a chance for him to test out some stand-up material. Sure, he was funny at moments, but it got exhausting. Oh, and when I Googled his upcoming HBO special he'd bragged about, nothing came up. Nice.