Listen carefully. Do you hear the sound of quiet popping in the distance? Almost like a million people anxiously cracking their knuckles or the sound of a man running across the pavement as he begins a long journey towards the Canadian border? That’s the sound of every New Yorker opening up their back-up bottles of Xanax because this city is about to have its most anxiety-inducing weekend of all time.
I can hear you thinking, “Woah, there. Hold up a second. This is going to be a stressful weekend for the entire country. We’ve all been suffering through this horrible election together; this isn’t just a New York experience.” Wrong.
Not only are Gothamites as anxious as the rest of the country about the final outcome of the election this Tuesday, we actually have to experience it. Like, the actual event. Not only will every major television network be covering the nights results from Manhattan, but both of the candidates will be, oh, BLOCKS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER IN MIDTOWN. Welcome to panic attack island, population 8 million.
Think you can just rest up this weekend? Forget about the upcoming StressCon that New York’s about to host? Good luck with that sleep cycle fool, because we’re about to get hit with DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME on Saturday night. Don’t forget to set your clocks back and your Spotify on a soothing Bon Iver album.
Considering a leisurely stroll? Sorry bud, a good part of the city is going to succumb to the annual traffic and pedestrian nightmare known as the NYC Marathon on Sunday. Good luck getting around with hundreds of people are running past you, reminding you just how physically unmatched you’ll be in the coming Thunderdome death battles.
But hey, at least the weather’s nice!