Welcome to New York, tourists! Whether we’re passing through Times Square, seeing a Broadway show or visiting a museum, you’re never far from our thoughts–to be fair, it’s not our fault you move so slow–but we really do want you to have a good time. So maybe you should adjust your expectations:
Who you think will be your bus tour guide: A Woody Allen type. He was born here and carries a lifetime of personal anecdotes of old New York characters, he spouts true facts and true-ish legends with a fervor, and can't help but to share his hilarious, if neurotic, opinions.
Who will actually be your bus tour guide: An out-of-work actor who moved here after he graduated from some liberal arts college in New England. He's got that guide script memorized, though!
Where you think you'll be eating on-the-go: Cool, trendy food trucks all the locals love, manned by an up-and-coming celebrity chef.
Where you’ll actually be eating:
What you think you'll do in an afternoon at Central Park: Climb Belvedere Castle! Leave a rose at Strawberry Field! Picnic in the Ramble! See the sea lion show at the zoo! Take a romantic boat ride! Ride in a horse drawn carriage!
What you'll actually do in one afternoon in Central Park: Eat an over-priced hot dog, throw the remainder of bun in the pond for a fat duck to eat, take the wrong winding path and end up back on West 64th St when you really thought you were walking east.
What you secretly envision will happen on your visit to the Statue of Liberty:
What will actually happen on your visit to the Statue of Liberty: You'll stand in line to learn some neat facts about the monument's history, stand in line to learn about its artist, and stand in line to learn some statistics. Then you'll probably stare at Ellis Island. History!
How much money you think you'll spend: Too much.
How much money you'll actually spend: Way too much.
What you think your dinner in Little Italy will be like:
What that dinner will actually be like: Good luck finding what's left of Little Italy in the sprawl of Chinatown. Hint: Look for Mulberry St.
Where you think you'll be shopping in SoHo: The fabulous boutiques and trendy stores that the celebrities frequent.
Where you'll actually be shopping in Soho: There's a top notch Uniqlo in that neighborhood. It's huge and fairly overwhelming.
Who you think you'll spot in Times Square:
Who you'll actually meet in Times Square: