At his delightfully crude comedy show Uh Oh! Stories from People Who Pooped their Pants, Chris Calogero invites comedians and performers to share tales of digestive disaster. At each show, Calogero asks audience members to write their own stories on notecards, with the most ridiculous yarns winning prizes. Though the next edition of the show doesn't hit Pine Box Rock Shop until June 2, we asked Calogero to share some of his audience favorites.
“I shit my pants and my husband stepped in it.”
“We have three cats. I don’t shit daily. I get constipated. My poops turn into little dry marbles. My husband and I went out drinking one night, and I came home wasted. I sneezed hard, and a little hard marble poop flew out of my butt, rolled down my pajama pants and onto the floor. I went into the bathroom to get toilet paper to pick it up, and my husband walked into the bedroom. He stepped in it and said, ‘Those fucking cats shit on the floor!’”
*The husband never knew this until his wife shared it at the show
The pains of public transportation
“A few years ago, I was coming back to Chicago from visiting my aunt and uncle over Christmas break. Before I left for the Metra, my uncle told me that if I was hungry, there were sausages in the fridge that were still good. They were not. For two hours on the Metra from Wisconsin to Chicago, I held in a monstrous vomit. As soon as I got to my dorm I started projectile vomiting all the way to the bathroom. After puking in the toilet for a few minutes, I all of a sudden started shitting my pants at the same time. This went on all night, and for the following two days. After it was all over, I completely understood why people died of dysentery before the invention of Gatorade.”
“Someone clogged my toilet at my birthday party, so instead of going to another toilet nearby, I pooped in a plastic bag and threw it out the window onto the street. Desperate times.”
The power of friendship
“One time in college, my friend frantically called me to come to her dorm. She had overflowed the toilet with shit and was too embarrassed to call maintenance, and wanted me to help her shovel shit into the shower with a red solo cup. I am a great friend!”
“I woke up naked in bed next to a dachshund”
“Almost a year ago (last Galentine’s Day), I tried curing a cold with DayQuil before drinking with friends. That night, I brought 80 McNuggets to our Galentine’s gathering (at which a drunk me ate 50.) Right before going out for the night, I discovered DayQuil with alcohol becomes NyQuil on crack. My friends took me back to my boss’s apartment (where I was dog-sitting) and in my near blackout frenzy I had to decide between vomiting in the toilet and shitting on the floor, or shitting in the toilet and vomiting on the floor. I picked the latter. I don’t remember much afterwards, but there are photos of me with my ass out, lying in my own vomit (remember the nuggets). I woke up naked in a bed next to a dachshund.”
If you have any tales of pants-pooping, share them with us or with Calogero on Twitter, @realchriscal.