Each week, we take two New Yorkers who swear they’re totally undateable, and put our matchmaking skills to the test. Afterward, we find out what went well on their date, and what went horribly, horribly wrong.
Why they’re single:
Victoria: She’s still trying to find someone with the same values and hobbies.
Craig: He’s a basic bitch who like the non-finer things in life—like being single.
Victoria: Drinks in a casual setting with someone funny.
Craig: Having a girl just add him on Facebook or something.
Victoria: “He seemed really out of it when he got there, and was sweating profusely. He hadn’t been on a date in over a year, so maybe he was feeling intimidated.”
Craig: “I get there, and she’s sitting in the corner. I put out my hand, and she didn’t shake it. She was cold, standoffish and she was hungry. She just wanted to get some food.”
Victoria: “It was horrible. He wouldn’t eat anything, so I was basically eating by myself. He said the chicken marsala was better at the Cheesecake Factory.”
Craig: “She was like a mix of Cardi B and a Real Housewife. It’s a bad mix, like a ’hood girl from the Bronx but also prissy—too prissy for me. She came off very condescending.”
Victoria: “He ordered the same wine I did and said he trusted me. Then he said he hated it. When I asked him what he liked to watch on TV, he just said, ‘Porn.’”
Craig: “I told her I like watching porn. At that point, I just gave up. I didn’t give a fuck. I came out with the real shit. Porn’s very valuable and beneficial to me in all types of ways.”
Victoria: “He slammed back his dirty martini and left right after we got our entrees. Then he came back 10 minutes later and was like, ‘Did you see my hat?’ And I was like, ‘No.’”
Craig: “I just bounced. I looked at her and was like, ‘I got to go, bye.’ No handshake, no exchange of numbers, nothing. Maybe if I saw her again, she’d be more cordial.”
Victoria: “It was an epic disaster, but honestly, the food was fantastic. We both like the Philadelphia Eagles, and that was pretty much all we had in common.”
Craig: “The heart meter should not even be shown. It should just be a cold-wind emoji, no hearts. It’s a cold world out there, and you gotta embrace the cold.”
Our daters went to Patsy’s Italian Restaurant (212-247-3491, 236 W 56th St)
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