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In 2019, we’re leaving bitterness behind and focusing on the positive aspects of past relationships. Inspired by Ariana Grande’s positive breakup anthem “Thank U, Next,” Grande-ing saves us from swimming in a pool of our own tears. Instead of months of shit talk, try moving on gracefully after a parting of the ways, having learned a lesson or two and now ready to binge the new Black Mirror solo. My horny blond friend Christi Chiello tells me she’s gone all in on this: “Grande-ing is all about celebrating my terrible choices! I’m not mad that I dated a beatboxer, and I am thankful he taught me that I’m worth more than the only two things he ever gave me: an Olive Garden bread basket and a pregnancy scare. To him I say, ‘Psh psh ckkkk psh oooowaahhh wikkey wikkey brrrrat. Thank you, next!’ ”
Beware the femin-ish
In our newly #woke era, keep your eyes peeled for the kind of man who supports feminists… until he’s dating one. You may be accidentally swapping spit with what I like to call a “femin-ish.” You might be dating this type of guy if (1) he took a selfie at the Women’s March and added off-topic, but trending, hashtags or (2) he says he loves female comics but acts embarrassed whenever you make a joke in public. Writer Maicy Jo Schwartz is no stranger to dating the femin-ish. “I worked a lot of TV production jobs with my ex. He always told me how badass it was to see female-led production crews. Then, I eventually had the power to hire crew members, and he complained that I hired mostly women. Now he’s my PA and has to bring my ass coffee!”
You broke up with your significant other, but you’ve decided that you’re okay with indulging in the occasional hookup with them. Congratulations, you’ve now gone from a full-time relationship to a freelance one: You get the benefits of having a partner who knows you inside and out, without having to pretend to care about his recreational softball team. My ex and I have been freelancing for a few months, and here’s what he has to say: “With freelancing, you can focus on being there for someone you care about in a specific role at a specific time. It takes a lot of the pressure off and makes it easier for each person to get what they need from the other.” Although he didn’t outright say this, he’s clearly implying that I’m awesome in bed and he couldn’t give that up. Do you hear that New York!? I’m single and a great lay!