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New York is better than Los Angeles. This is a fact (to New Yorkers, at least). We've compiled 31 solid reasons for residents of NYC to brag, but don't worry—in the interests of fair play, our frenemies at Time Out Los Angeles have concocted a (dumb, stupid) list of their own. Scroll to the end of the piece to see their response!
RECOMMENDED: The New York guide to life
1. New Yorkers don't have to spend upwards of three hours a day trapped in their cars. Walking! Ever heard of it? It's nice.
2. We don't have an instant panic attack the moment we smell carbs.
3. New York stinks of weed just one day out of the year.
4. Madonna lives in New York when she's a cool rock star, and LA when she's a creepy, desperate actor.
5. We actually have seasons here. Sure, LA residents felt pretty smug when NYC was frozen in the frigid depths of wintry hell this year, but watching the whole city burst into life each spring is wonderful. When it's 78 degrees and sunny every single day, what do you have to look forward to?
6. LA has really great Mexican food. New York has really good EVERYTHING ELSE.
7. NYC may have quite a bit of noise, but one thing you don't hear amidst the honking, screeching of trains, jackhammering and yelling? Coughing. Because we don't live in a dense layer of smog.
8. It's possible to walk more than five blocks in New York without encountering a reality TV show's worth of Botox accidents and wonky boob jobs.
9. We can go out drinking whenever we want, without the hassle of trying to find a designated driver. And if the bar we're in sucks (which it almost never does), there's always half a dozen more a stone's throw away.
10. No one in NYC wears Juicy Couture sweatsuits to walk around outside.
11. Our restaurants are not only amazing, but they serve food in normal portions that a human being can actually be expected to finish.
12. We have Brooklyn, which is now shorthand for indie cool all over the world. They don't talk about "très Brentwood" in Paris…
13. You're far less likely to be run off the road by a crazed paparazzo chasing Lindsay Lohan around hoping for a drunk upskirt shot.
14. It's possible to make friends and/or be successful in New York without joining an alien-worshipping cult.
15. You can meander happily for an entire day in New York with no idea where you'll end up. In L.A., you'll drive to one cool neighborhood, go into the three or four places they have there, then get into your car and go to another "cool" place. It's too structured, dammit!
16. Our city doesn't have the creepy-as-hell vibe of Mulholland Drive. [Shiver]
17. People in New York don't turn their nose up at you when you tell them you don't work in the entertainment industry.
18. We have far fewer parking restrictions in NYC. Alternate-side parking for street cleaning is the bane of our lives, yes. But trying to decipher five parking signs posted on top of each other in LA for 30 minutes and then walking back to your car and finding a ticket? YOU'RE KILLING ME.
19. If any of your New York friends are working on a script, they're polite enough to keep it to themselves.
20. We get to enjoy sriracha sauce without the eye-searing fumes from the factory invading our homes.
21. Gridlock traffic at 2am on the freeway? Get the eff out of here.
22. NYC's most famous movie quote—"I'm walkin' here!"—is active, tough and taking no shit. LA's most famous movie quote—"I'm ready for my close-up"— is passive, self-involved and delusional.
23. New York has an enormous, intricate, historically significant subway system. Los Angeles has a plastic model train.
24. Honesty. In New York, people will tell you if you look fat. In LA, they'll express "concern" over your "unhealthy lifestyle."
25. New York is one city easily divided into five self-contained subsections. Los Angeles, confusingly, has cities (West Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, maybe others?) contained within its city limits that are surrounded on all sides by Los Angeles proper. It's as if Harlem, Midtown West and the East Village were separate cities—with separate laws and rules—from the rest of Manhattan. It's weird and bad, and obviously a big problem when getting public-works projects done. And did we mention it's weird and bad?
26. The air-conditioning in our restaurants is set to "cool down a person," not "freeze a woolly mammoth inside a glacier for 10,000 years."
27. New York is the country's fashion capital. You see New Yorkers on the street every day out-glamming LA's laid-back look, and check the difference between our red carpets! The Met Gala beats the Oscars every time.
28. Walking down the street in New York gives you a sense of cultural history. Walking down the street in LA gives you asthma.
29. We know how to use avocados in moderation (seriously Angelenos, they do not go with everything).
30. NYC has Broadway, Off Broadway, Off-Off Broadway, Lincoln Center, Museum Mile and more than 200 galleries in Chelsea alone. Meanwhile, LA's most prestigious concert hall is named after the creator of Donald Duck.
31. Our stereotypes can totally beat up your stereotypes.
See LA's response:31 reasons LA kicks New York's ass
Have your own reasons New York kicks LA's ass? Share them in the comments section below.