You belong in Williamsburg!
Whatever, dude—you're too laid-back to care about being called a hipster. Why concern yourself with labels when there's that experimental-noise album to record, a bunch of PBRs in the fridge and a sweet new coffee place up the street that only has room for three customers? Life is short, so you may as well have as much fun as possible until it's time to settle down—in one of those new luxury condo buildings with an alternative children's bookstore in the basement.
You belong in Park Slope!
Hear that ticking sound? That’s your biological clock. You’re ready to settle down (with either kids or dogs, you haven’t decided yet), but aren’t quite ready to give up the cool of New York City for the peaceful safety of the suburbs, so this tree-lined, park-bordering oasis of kid-friendly brunch spots suits you perfectly. You love the idea of the Coop (even though you’ve never actually signed up) and the general locavore atmosphere makes you feel better about ordering from Smiling Pizza three nights a week. While you would enjoy having a car, you could never leave a place where you can cycle to the craft-beer store for a growler and grab a delicious banh mi on the way home.
You belong in Harlem!
You. Love. History. In fact, that’s part of the reason you flocked to this city: As much as NYC is constantly changing, there are pockets of this town that are still bursting with yesteryear charm. And that’s what gets you off: the soul-food joints, the authentic African markets, the idea that the Harlem Renaissance and all the coolness that came from it happened here. It's a vibe that, despite an influx of young professionals, you can still strongly feel today.
You belong on the Upper East Side!
You, my friend, are movin’ on up. The UES’s clean streets and nondescript architecture perfectly fit your need to have things just so. H&H bagels, Scoop—it’s as close to your New Jersey/Long Island/insert-other-suburban-hometown as you can get. Bonus: You frequently run into friends from sleepaway camp when you’re waiting on line at the Shake Shack on 86th. People will make fun of you for being an Upper East Sider, but you’ll have the last laugh: The UES is one of the most affordable nabes in the city these days, and with the upcoming Second Ave subway and a rash of cool new bars and restaurants, pretty soon people will be begging to come uptown and see you sometime (instead of refusing to).
You belong in Astoria!
Do you have to be near the hippest and most buzzy spots in town? No. Hell no. You’d much rather dine in an under-the-radar gem in “Little Egypt” or take over a stool at a legit dive bar for a few hours—or, on a sunny summer day, a picnic table at the Bohemian Hall and Beer Garden. You’re laid-back and a bit arty and love exploring NYC’s multicultural nooks. Ceaselessly capturing those nooks on Instagram? Not so much.
You belong in the East Village!
You pine for the days when Tompkins Square Park was filled with hypodermic needles and walking the streets was legitimately scary. Gentrification is ruining this city, man—you’ll take sketchy bar bathrooms and sleeping with a baseball bat by your bed over Starbucks and Momofuku any day. You came to New York to work on your art/writing/music/sneer, and probably have the phrase “Die, yuppie scum” tattooed somewhere on your body (and got it before tattoos were mainstream). You are as disdainful of Williamsburg (poseurs) as you are the Upper East Side (losers) and rarely venture north of 14th, east of First or west of Broadway. You think the city kind of sucks these days, but know that it’s still the best place on the planet.