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10 new year resolutions denizens of the Lion City should make

10 new year resolutions denizens of the Lion City should make

1. ‘I resolve never to whip out my elephant-sized camera and flash with the intensity of a thousand dying suns, because I realise my tastebuds are attached to my tongue and not my eyes. Also, the 1,732 photos of my eggs benny all look as appetising as a cement block without professional styling and lighting.’ – Every single food blogger out there

2. ‘I finally got the memo that Singapore is located near the Equator, which Wikipedia tells me results in a hot and humid climate. That kinda explains why I sweat buckets in this three-piece suit. So, like how Eskimos don’t wear bathing suits, I promise to dress for the weather this year.’ – ‘Dapper’ dudes

3. ‘I resolve to acknowledge the fact that passengers are people, too.’ – Taxi drivers

4. ‘My friends bought me a copy of Fahrenheit 451 for Christmas, and – although it took a while – I eventually understood why people were so upset with us last year. Books are for reading, not destroying! Libraries are repositories, and books aren’t suppositories! Mind. Blown. I vow never to sic the shredder upon a tome ever again.’ – National Library Board

5. ‘The music I play on my phone is meant for myself, not for the enjoyment of others sharing my commute. Hence, the invention of earphones, I’m told. I therefore resolve to use a good pair and never, never to blast my Guetta or Avicii bangers to show off my music “taste”.’ – Douchebros on the train

6. ‘I learnt last year that homes are meant for living in and not for keeping as assets. Who woulda thunk it? So, given Singapore’s scarcity of land (a nugget I also recently discovered), I devote 2015 to stopping the inflation of property prices with my greedy flipping. Sorry, homeless young adults of Singapore.’ – Property speculators

7. ‘I hereby declare homosexuals to be regular human beings with regular human rights.’ – Supreme Court

8. ‘Some people just want a simple black coffee, not brews made from the golden beans of the ancient passes of the Himalayas, harvested by blind shamans whose tongues have been snipped off to prevent them from spilling the secret location of their java nirvana. So when customers ask for a classic cuppa, I’ll give them what they want and refrain from rolling my eyes in pretentious disbelief. Because money for coffee is still a Fair Trade, amirite?’ – Third wave baristas

9. ‘Cinemas and theatres are for watching movies and performances, not the glaring screen of my phone. Turns out light travels really long distances very quickly. I pledge to keep it in my pants the next time.’ – Smartphone abusers

10. ‘Be more awesome.’ – Us