1. So… the movie’s starting. We’re actually doing this. Oh god. Is it too late to back out now?? Maybe if we stood up slowly and edged our way out, no one would notice. Okay, people are glaring. Sit back down!! Someone hisses. Damn, there goes our escape. The next two hours better be worth it.
2. They’re not. We can already tell, just 10 minutes in. Everything’s in shades of grey which, coincidentally, is just as gloomy as we feel inside.
3. Christian Grey appears. Cue actual squeals of excitement. Is this really happening?? We feel like we got caught in the middle of mating season – or perhaps The Bachelor.
4. Anastasia Steele is wearing a momsy outfit. Is this to reiterate the fact that she’s a good girl? Don’t worry. Post-Grey, her fashion sense abruptly becomes super sensual (maybe that’s a metaphor for emerging from her virgin shell). She meets him while still wearing that outfit. Are we supposed to believe it’s lust at first sight for a man who supposedly can get his hands on anything he wants?
5. Well… this is awkward. The two co-stars have absolutely ZERO chemistry. Our golden retriever has more chemistry with its paw. Christian attempts to stare longingly at Ana. Is that hot desire or psychotic rage lurking beneath his eyes? We can’t tell, really.
6. Now he shows up ‘accidentally’ at her workplace. STALKER ALERT! He buys cable ties and tape for, ahem, home stuff. SLEAZEBALL! He gets pissed off watching Ana and her colleague. They’re standing there talking. HOW DARE THEY! IN BROAD DAYLIGHT! She belongs to him, he seethes. Because, you know, they’ve known each other for all of five seconds. CREEPSTER ON THE LOOSE!
7. Unhappily, we trudge on. We discover popcorn works great as a muffle for the giggles threatening to bubble up our throats. We’re near hysterical. It’s a mix of jittery cackles and half-horrified, half-furious ‘what did he just say?!’ whispers. We’re afraid that if we start laughing, we may never stop.
8. When the torture – we mean, sex – scenes finally start, we clamp down on our neighbour’s arm in a death-like grip. He brings her to a dungeon! Why is she walking in with a curious expression on her face instead of screaming and running away as an innocent, naïve girl like her would?! Noooooo, Ana! We shriek inwardly. Or maybe it was out loud. People are staring.
9. We start to see a pattern. Rich boy buys poor girl nice toys. He pouts. She gives in, he seduces her. She realises he’s actually insane and pushes him away. He buys her swanky toys. He pouts. Does anyone else see what’s going on?? Are we watching a 10-minute loop played 12 times??
10. She walks out. Finally, our two hours of agony are over. We breathe a sigh of relief. IMDb says the movie’s a Drama/Romance. No. More like Horror/Porno. We realise two more sequels have been confirmed for this sad sack of an emotionally manipulative, domestic abuse tale cloaked in a ‘love story’. We clutch our hair in despair, mourning for all that’s screwed up in the world. Perhaps a good dose of The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie will take our minds off the terror we just experienced.