The armies of winter have finally retreated from Chicago. Patios are opening, nightlife is hopping and people are generally upbeat. But while the city's caught up in its weather-related euphoria, let's not forget about all of the gross, icky things that are right around the corner. The summer is disgusting, everyone. Get over it.
Hot, pee-filled El cars: Commuters and residents of the CTA live in harmony throughout the winter. Nobody really complains about the fellow who made an apartment out of the room at the end of the train. But when summer arrives, all of the pee that normally can't be smelled gets baked in the heat, leaving an odor that resembles a mixture of tear gas and stomach acid. Try and stay happy about the weather with that smell in your nostrils.
Men in pastel shorts: Bros get even more "turned up" during the summer, and for some reason they're obsessed with the atrocity of pastel-colored shorts. The very sight of a fully-grown man fashioning mauve shorts can induce vomit. Bro knees are terrible in any setting, but they're especially repulsive when offset by baby blue cotton.
Sweaty crevices everywhere: If you're looking to get into a relationship this summer, you better hope for clogged sinuses. After a long night on the town in 80-degree heat, everyone's crevices, cracks and feet smell like a hockey locker room. If you thought that the summer would be your time to go out and finally meet someone, think again. No one wants to put their face on anyone after a night out in 100-percent humidity.
Society breaking down in Wrigleyville: Game day at Wrigley Field is a terrifying social experiment. The Cubs play way too many afternoon home games, which leads to thousands of insane people pouring into Wrigleyville for a 12-hour bender almost every weekend of the summer. Civilization essentially breaks down in the neighborhood. People turn into animals, and drink like it's the end of the world. Any faith that you have in humanity will immediately dissolve upon passing through Wrigley Field between June and September.
Teenagers at music festivals: The teenagers at music festivals like Lollapalooza or Spring Awakening are more gross than the hair you scooped out of your great uncle's shower drain. They come down from whatever godforsaken suburb that spawned them, sporting neon tank tops, water bottles of cheap liquor and wads of their parents' cash. Try enjoying your summer when you're regularly reminded that these unfortunate creatures exist.
Spandex-covered cyclists: When the weather warms up, every jerk with a bike slaps on their skin-tight spandex and attempts to turn into a drugless Lance Armstrong. Spandex provides a harrowing picture of what a person looks like naked, which is usually awful.
Nasty feet and toes: There are few settings in which the exposure of feet is warranted, and strolling through the grocery store is not one of them. It's completely practical to wear flip-flops to the beach, but letting your puppies breath during brunch might as well be a health hazard. Feet are far and away the sweatiest part of the body, yet people regularly fail to slap some shoes on their fleshy petri dishes and force everyone to look at their jacked-up little piggies.
Bugs are everywhere: During the summer, ants invade unsuspecting apartments, mosquitoes make any grassy area virtually uninhabitable and gnats will find their way into your hair. Any natural setting that you'd like to take in during the summer will probably be ruined by insects. In case you forgot how disgusting mosquitos are, here's a reminder:
