How do you afford to live? Isn't it so expensive?
It's FINE – we get paid more than you country types, remember. Couldn't spare 50p for a cup of coffee, could you?
Can I come and stay?
Oh sure – of course! I’ll just freshen up the linen in one of my many guest suites.
Is it safe to go to Hackney?
The only thing you need to worry about taking a battering in Hackney is your wallet when you're splashing out on flat whites and artisan sourdoughs.
Do you ride around on a unicycle, wearing a top hat and vaping?
Very good, country boy. You realise you're wearing a gilet, right?
Do you see celebrities all the time?
If you count seeing ex-'Big Brother' contestants in Tesco then yes, we're like fricking Heat magazine over here.
Doesn’t the tube confuse the hell out of you?
Don't be daft. Although I did get heart palpitations the last time CityMapper was down.
What’s your favourite bar in Leicester Square?
Hah – that's a good one! SHIT. You're serious.
My cousin Geoff lives in Tottenham – do you know him?
Oh Geofffffffff, love that guy – what a ledge. No, of course I bloody don't.
Why don't you move to the suburbs – you'd get way more for your money.
Yes, but then I'd live in the suburbs.
Have you ever been mugged? That happens to everyone in London, right?
Well I did pay £5.50 for a pint of Meantime the other day, so yeah, I suppose so.
Have you met the Queen?
Yes, we have tea and scones and a game of Scrabble every Thursday. She always tries to slip in swearwords, the filthy bitch.
Where's your nearest Banksy?
Not sure, but there's an almost anatomically accurate cock and balls on my bus stop. I'll Snapchat you.
Do you think you’ll live in London forever?
Definitely, or at least until Dishoom and Monmouth conquer the suburbs.
How do you cope with all that pollution?
I just keep taking deep breaths and hope the legend is true and I turn into a carbon monoxide-powered superhero.
Don't you find the people are really unfriendly?
How dare you, you fucking prick.
Where's the best place to go for dinner?
Can't believe you think Londoners are unfriendly. Dinner? I dunno, your mum's house?
How come everyone drinks so much coffee?
Because if we didn't we'd be even more unfriendly. Seriously though, have you got 50p or not?
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Photo: Flickr: Peter McGowan.