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We’ve all done it: said one thing out loud, while meaning something completely different. After all, if us Londoners went round being 100 percent honest all the time, Oxford Street would be a permanent gauntlet of fisticuffs. Here’s just a few of our favourite things that we say versus what we actually mean. If it helps, you can tell everyone that you’ve never used any of them. (Translation: ‘MY SECRET SHAME HAS BEEN UNVEILED!’)
1. Londoners say: ‘The bus takes longer but it’s a nice chance to relax.’
They actually mean: ‘I don’t have a Travelcard and I’m too broke for the tube.’
2. Londoners say: ‘Oh, can’t complain really. You?’
Londoners mean: ‘I am two-to-three large glasses of wine away from complaining at enormous length about everything.’
3. Londoners say: ‘Ah, sorry: it’s actually no standing on the left on escalators.’
Londoners mean: ‘GET OUT OF MY CITY, TOURIST SCUM.’
4. Londoners say: ‘Yeah, it’s really nice.’
Londoners mean: ‘WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FRINGE?’
5. Londoners say: ‘I’m popping out to grab some lunch, anyone want anything?’
Londoners mean: ‘Please come with me so I have someone to talk to in the horrendously long queue at Leon.’
6. Londoners say: ‘Oh, my new area’s great. It’s really quirky and authentic.’
Londoners mean: ‘When I walk to the Londis, I fear for my life.’
7. Londoners say: ‘TAXI!’
Londoners mean: ‘God, I hate surge pricing.’
8. Londoners say: ‘I am literally ten minutes away.’
Londoners mean: ‘I am at home in my pants.’
9. Londoners say: ‘Oh, I’ve actually got to go to Boots before I go home.’
Londoners mean: ‘I don’t want to have to spend the entire tube journey making small talk with you.’
10. Londoners say: ‘I love you’
Londoners mean: ‘I want you to pay half my rent.’
11. Londoners say: ‘I think service is already included.’
Londoners mean: ‘Please god, don’t let me have to pay any more money for this meal.’
12. Londoners say: ‘Sorry! I’m in a rush!’
Londoners mean: ‘Dream on, chugger. Dream on.’
13. Londoners say: ‘Sorry! I was in the tube!’
Londoners mean: ‘Thank god for airplane mode.’
14. Londoners say: ‘How’s your meal, sir?’
Londoners mean: ‘I really don’t care about you, your dinner or a potential career in the services industry.’
15. Londoners say: ‘I love Meetup groups!’
Londoners mean: ‘This way I don’t have to tell anyone I joined a dating site!’
16. Londoners say: ‘We’ve been here forever, and it’s really sad to see the area getting completely gentrified.’
They actually mean: ‘Mmm... sourdough.’
17. Londoners say: ‘I’m working late – I’ll finish soon!’
Londoners mean: ‘I’ll leave work drinks when I’m good and ready.’
18. Londoners say: ‘Excuse me, is anyone sitting there?'
Londoners mean: ‘You have five seconds to move your bag off the seat before I throw it onto the floor. And stamp on it.’
19. Londoners say: ‘Wow, crazy, so great to bump into you! We definitely should catch up properly over a pint! Soon!’
Londoners mean: ‘That was awkward. Now farewell, for this is the very last time our paths will cross in this life.’
20. Londoners say: ‘Sorry!’
Londoners mean: ‘Everything and anything but ‘sorry’, including ‘fuck off’, ‘get out of my way’, and ‘I’m going to pretend that I tried to hold the lift doors for you even though the thought of sharing this space with one other sweating, anxious potential farter is so disgusting that I just pressed close 10 times instead.’