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2016 in four crap London property adverts

Kate Lloyd

It’s become almost tradition now for Time Out to round up the shittest property adverts of the year in the weeks building up to Christmas. In 2014, we had such delights as the house with a literal tree growing through it. In 2015, we had the shed in a lounge. Thing is, it’s actually hard to remember what terrible property adverts have come over the course of 2016 because there’s been so much bleak news in general. That doesn't mean there haven't be any though. Here are the worst. Merry Christmas!

The 'studio flat' in Hendon with a toilet in the kitchen cupboard

In May, we were treated to this expert use of storage space on SpareRoom. Available in Hendon Central for £126pw, the pad was just one very small room with a bed, a fridge, a washing machine and a sink. And the toilet? Oh, that was conveniently located in a kitchen cupboard, obviously. Why use storage space as a place to keep utensils and crockery when you can use them to defecate in?

The 'wipe-clean' flat covered in tiles for £900pcm

No, your eyes are not deceiving you – this one-bed flat in Walthamstow was covered in the same blue tiles on the walls and the floor. Oh, and just to add to the ‘drowning in a swimming pool’ vibe, the space also just appeared to have one window because who needs daylight when you have blue tiles running as far as the eye can see? That being said, this flat would be useful for anyone who enjoys food fights, tends to spill things a lot or wants to fill their flat with water and recreate a scene from the Titanic.

The flat with no windows in Brixton

I was about to start writing some witty content about this flat with no windows in Brixton, then I remembered I spent almost two years living in a windowless space in Homerton that got infested with pantry moths in the spring and turned into an unbearable inferno in the summer months. Anyway, here’s another flat with no windows in Brixton. The two-bed was advertised on Zoopla for a whopping £1,625pcm. Advertisers described it as having a 'bright open-plan kitchen/reception room', which seems pretty unlikely due to the whole no-natural-light situation.

A literal cupboard under the stairs

Let’s roll back the months to May: there was unstoppable hype about the Harry Potter play coming out in a couple of months. Of course, this meant some chancer cashed in on Pottermania by advertising a cupboard under the stairs as ‘a Harry Potter room’. Not only did these advertisers seem to forget that Harry’s time under the stairs was portrayed as the bleakest time in his life, they also thought a kitsch description would disguise the fact that not only is this a cupboard under the stairs, this is literally the kind of brick-walled cupboard you wouldn’t even put semi-valuable possessions in in case they got damp.

Want more crap property adverts? How about this weird house with a serial-killer inspired room?

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